ECW One Night Stand 2006
Fittingly, due to ECW being the cult of Paul Heyman, the show starts with...a Paul Heyman promo as the fans bow and praise him. Pretty sure he cut this same promo about 7000 times, and these mutants bought into it every time. "The tribe of extreme has risen again!" All this "authentic ECW experience" and no one is going to mention that the show is full of WWE talent and is using the WWE regulation ring/ropes/turnbuckles and production crew.
Tazz vs Jerry Lawler
About 10 minutes into the PPV before a match happens, and it's between two announcers, one of which can't take bumps and hasn't wrestled in years. ECW is back! King walks over to Joey and slaps the piss out of him. Good. Fuck Joey Styles. Lmao, Tazz keeps looking at himself on the big screen to make sure he looks bad ass enough. When King finally gets into the ring, Joey jumps on his back. King puts him in the piledriver, only for Tazz to put him in the Tazzmission. That's right, 10 minutes before a match happens, it's 30 seconds long, and no one even took a bump. And Tazz seems out of breath even from that. ECW ECW ECW ECW! And THEN it goes into a recap of WWE vs ECW. Lmao.
Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle
Kurt is, arguably, at the height of his pill addiction, his body is falling apart, and now he's forced to work an even more physical style. Sounds like a recipe for wellness and self-improvement. Basically, this whole match is Kurt just embarrassing Randy with amateur holds and take downs as the crowd eats Randy alive. Randy gets some offense from time to time, and Kurt always just throws him or ties him up in a submission a minute later. Kurt wins with the grape vined ankle lock. Orton is helped out to loud PUSSY chants.
FBI vs Super Crazy/Tajiri
Lmao at Tajiri doing 3-2-1 HUSTLE HUSTLE. BIG Guido is making his first appearance in quite a while. Tony Mamaluke has put on quite a bit of weight since his WCW/ECW days. Oh wait, Tajiri is actually wearing his HUSTLE pants. Baller out here promoting other promotions on the fake ECW but really WWE PPV. Holy shit, a Backlund Lift from Super Crazy! This is typical ECW "workrate" match up: Mindless busy work with no story and lots of OHHHHS from the crowd. FBI won with a double muscle buster to Tajiri. After the match, Big Show came out and beat up everyone. Poor Tony took so many bad bumps.
JBL returns to the Hammerstein Ballroom to shit on ECW again. A loud "YOU SUCK DICK" chant breaks out, as if dicks getting sucked is a bad thing. "I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ. Now, tell me who's the fruit booty." He brags about beating up Blue Meanie last year, then shits on the internet fans who cried about it. This is all a long winded, rambling promo to announce that he's replacing Tazz as the color man for Smackdown.
Sabu vs Rey Mysterio World Heavyweight Championship
A dream match a decade earlier. Also, looool at Sabu starting and then stopping himself from doing his taunt not facing the hard cam. Rey bringing back the tights and forgoing his gigantic knee braces for the ECW faithful. Fans boo Rey, and Tazz of all people shits on Rey for leaving ECW. Chairs are immediately in play, as are botches. ECW ECW ECW! Really, I don't want a Sabu match without botches. Rey kills Sabu with a springboard senton to the floor through a table, which gets Nick Patrick throwing up the X. Sabu destroyed him with a chair moments later. Then Sabu tries the old double jump DDT through a table, the table barely breaks, and the match is stopped. As you can imagine, ECW fans were not pleased with a SABU MATCH being stopped due to injury. Rey's booking as champ is hilarious.
Tommy Dreamer/Terry Funk/Beulah McGillicutty vs Edge/Mick Foley/Lita
So much promo time before the match. While originally intended to be a straight tag team match, Beulah challenged Lita to make it a six person tag. Maybe she should have not worn fucking heels if she was planning on wrestling. Just a thought. You have two guys who can barely walk, a non-wrestler, a retired due to neck injury wrestler, and Tommy Dreamer, leaving EDGE to be the worker of the match. Funk and Foley spend most of the match slowly punching each other around ringside while Edge bumps like death to make the match somewhat watchable. You've got 62 year old Terry Funk taking bumps off of ladders to appease these mutants all to essentially hype up the new C tier show on SciFi that neither he, Foley, nor Edge will even be on. Then the barbed wire boards come out. THIS IS AWESOME, right? Terry is shredded open screaming about his eye, and all the fans can think is THIS IS AWESOME. If you say so, guys. I see one of the greatest wrestlers of all time being in his 60s and slicing himself up with barbed wire to be a bit of a bummer. To each their own, I suppose. Terry has to be taken to the back for medical attention. Mr. Socko on Beulah! Lmao. Edge spends a while mimicking raping Beulah until a bandaged Terry comes back out with a barbed wire 2x4. And then it gets lit, Foley gets caught on fire, and does a Nestea Plunge onto a bed of barbed wire. Mick has been out of ECW for a decade and is still killing himself for it. The heck? Edge pinned Beulah with a spear, while fucking her during the cover.
TO THE BACK. RVD and John Cena get warmed up.
Balls Mahoney vs Masato Tanaka
WWE flying in Tanaka, who arguably stole the show last year, just to do a 5 minute cool off match is the most WCW move possible. Balls won with a chairshot. 5 minutes. Lol.
Eugene makes his way to the ring and grabs a mic. Tazz makes short bus jokes. Even Joey Styles acts like he hates him and is disgusted with a mentally challenged person. Of course, the ECW crowd hates him as well. Lmao, people are yelling "fuck you" at him and he turns around and says, "Good luck to you, too!". He then reads a poem, and eventually The Sandman comes out and assaults a mentally handicapped man to a raucous ovation. Literally beats him to the back, taking time to stop and make him beg as the fans cheered him on. ECW, brehs.
John Cena vs Rob Van Dam WWE Championship
Cena comes out to NUCLEAR heat. I want to say this was the first time the crowd threw back Cena's shirt, and it happened about 6 times. God damn VLAD THE SUPERFAN getting sucked into this nonsense. He was supposed to be the best of us. They also throw some trash and toilet paper at him while chanting FUCK YOU CENA. "CENA SWALLOWS CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP". Again, that's usually a good thing to most people.
The match actually has to stop to let some of the chants die off. When the OVERRATED chant breaks out, I have to think they're talking about RVD, in what possible way is Cena OVERRATED in this building? I also get a kick out of the fans chanting SAME OLD SHIT towards Cena when RVD is literally doing all of the same spots he had been doing for nearly a decade, on a show that is a revival for a promotion that has been dead for 5 years. This whole thing is a greatest hits of RVD spots (and the promotion as a whole, as was the 2005 event), and Cena's the one actually changing his style completely. He's even beating up the ref for trying to do a rope break DQ in an ECW MAIN EVENT. Lmao. Randomly, some guy in a duster and motorcycle helmet comes out and spears Cena though a table, although the spearer actually was the one to go through the table. The idea was obviously to make people think it was Rhyno, but SWERVE it was Edge. And now these people are chanting THANK YOU EDGE at this guy they called a cocksucker earlier. RVD hits the frog splash, Paul Heyman makes the cover. RVD is the new WWE Champion. The show ends with the shockingly small ECW roster celebrating with RVD, who was announced as the new ECW Champion.
You know what I always say: ECW fucking sucked. ECW through the WWE lens with actual production and lighting and a sturdy ring might actually be worse, since it makes all the disgusting grime more visible. If this show took place in a crowd that wasn't full of die hard ECW fans happy to get fleeced by exorbitant ticket prices for a nostalgia trip and giving money to Vince McMahon, this would be considered a terrible show.
But if anyone had any faith in WWECW, this show and the WWE vs ECW special should have killed it. All the problems that people talk about when it comes to the ECW reboot are EXTREMELY (get it?) evident before the show actually started. Full WWE production, horrendous commentary, reliance on established WWE stars to prop the shows up, a very tiny roster of ECW originals that exist just to make WWE guys look good, bad comedy, bad wrestling.