Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)
Plot: The Power Rangers must work together to save a dying Zordon while preventing the ancient evil of Ivan Ooze to destroy the world.
PR nostalgia is at an all time high in the Spring of 2017. I recently saw Power Rangers (2017), a reboot to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers franchise that was targeted both towards kids of today and those who were kids in the early-mid 90s. Through bizarre tonal shifts (starting with Zordon dying and calling in a cataclysmic meteor to kill off life on the planet directly into a guy saying he milked a cow to calm it down only for the cow to be a bull and a zoom in on the dick), and absurd product placement, it ended up being about as average of a movie as you could imagine. Which is fine. This is Power Rangers we're talking about. It was basically like seeing Battleship, where of course a CGI fest based on a BOARD GAME is going to be terrible, but then you see it and it's a pretty solid action movie.
I've come to the conclusion that, deep down, this site is about realizing things you loved in childhood sucked and you were stupid, because children are stupid, and one must shed their childhood to full embrace adulthood. So, here we are.
Our film begins a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with an opening scroll in SPACE explaining what the Power Rangers are and how long they've been around. This cuts directly to the current Rangers, with Bulk and Skull, skydiving set to the RHCP version of Higher Ground. RADICAL! I love that their flight suits are color coordinated to their ranger colors. No one in Angel Grove never seems to notice that this group of 3 men, 2 women are always around each other and always wearing the same colors as the Power Rangers. For some reason, Tommy has a snow board. AIR BOARDING. TUBULAR, DUDE. It turns out, they're part of Angel Grove's Jump-a-thon team, with money being raised to for the observatory, as a comet will be passing by in a couple of days. There's a kid getting way too much screen time already who is super excited about this. His dad looks like Rick Martel. He's wearing a backwards Michael Jordan hat, as if you need to be reminded this is 1995.
This scene is followed by the Rangers ROLLER BLADING set to Free Ride. COME ON! They're just cool kids who like to be xtreme in their free time. So there's this construction site and there the workers have come across a giant vault. Inside that vault is a bunch of smoke and a metal claw holding a purple egg. Sure, fucking touch the thing you goddamn idiot. Omg, Tommy's wrist coms has a ring tone of the theme song. Lmao.
TO THE COMMAND CENTER. Fuck Alpha 5. Annoying bag of bolts. Zordon explains that Ivan Ooze was sealed in that egg, and it's imperative to the world that they get him back in his can or else the world is DOOMED. Meanwhile, Lord Zedd, Rita Repulsa, Goldar, and some other goof teleport to the egg and crack it open. It's Ivan Ooze! "Ladies and gentlemen, the OOZE IS BACK!" Ivan gets fucking HOT when Zedd brings up Zordon. The Rangers teleport in. Ivan doesn't like teenagers at all. "We're the Power Rangers!" "WHOOO, where's my autograph book!" Lmao. What a delivery. First fight scene! 16 minutes in seems kind of long for that, tbh. That's almost a whole episode. Tommy actually grabs a shovel but apparently spun the spade off. So it's just a stick. YOU HAD A SHOVEL, NOW YOU HAVE A STICK. WHAT THE HECK. Action boy now. Action girl now. Some of the sound effects in this scene are so fucking weird. Straight Looney Tunes and farts. "You ooze, you lose." These things look like the Wishmaster. Oh shit. IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! Lmao, they do their full transformation for nothing since the Oozers ran away like bitches. These new movie suits are baller.
Ivan finds his way into the Command Center and destroys it with a flute, but not before comparing the Brady Bunch reunion to the Bubonic Plague and Spanish Inquisition. He's been trapped in a can for 6000 years. How does he know about the fucking Brady Bunch? The Rangers continue their fight with the Wishmasters, and for some reason, almost all of the shots have a doorbell sound effect. Because they're getting their bells rung, I guess. But why DOORBELLS? This music is SO BAD. Sounds like Ladies First in Goldeneye. Tommy has a sweet bicycle kick, though.
Y'all ever notice that Zodron looks like a testical? And now he's dying, like an old cancerous ball. Luckily, there's a power on a distant planet where they can get something to save him. So they travel through the galaxy via crayons. Meanwhile, Ivan Ooze has arrived at Rita and Zedd's moon base. "You eggsucking purple pinhead!" Who knew Rita was a Terry Funk mark? Oh shit, Ivan put Rita and Zed in a snow globe! SWERVE! He conjures up some birdmen out of a loogie, who are sent to follow the Power Rangers. OH MY!
So now, the Rangers are on some random ass planet without their newly upgraded armored ranger suits that only showed up for one scene. What the heck? Meanwhile, Ivan is going to poison the water source to make the parents of Angel Grove be his minions to dig up his ectomorphic creatures that will destroy the world. This dude who isn't Goldar has a shockingly stereotypical Jewish voice. Holy fuck. Luckily for the Rangers, there's some broad in a bikini that makes her look like she has a braided bush on this planet, and she saves them from the bird men. She happens to be a personal trainer and a tailor and gives them new NINJA SUITS. Dawg. I came to see the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, not some god damn dudes in colored ninja suits. Shout out to a clear music cue from You Only Live Twice. Wtf. "Adam? Adam, what's wrong?" "I'm a frog." LOOOLOLOLOL. I'd be sad if I got the frog, too, mayne. The intercutting between the ninja shit in the jungle and Ivan's plan is the longest 10 minutes of my life. They get ancient power and now have their suits back, so that's nice.
Back in Angel Grove, Ivan's hilarious CGI insects are causing a ruckus. Can we point out that Ivan has been sealed in a can for 6,000 years, yet makes non-stop references to the 1970s in America? The Rangers have new ninja animal zords, which look lame as fuck in comparison to dino ones. One of them is a frog, for fuck's sake. It ribbits. UH OH, WE'RE IN TROUBLE, SOMETHING'S COME ALONG AND BURST OUR BUBBLE. Ya see, now that the parents are mindless ooze slaves, the kids of Angel Grove are having illicit OOZE PARTIES, portrayed like they're drinking and doing drugs. Even though they're very clearly drinking 7 Up, as seen by all the labels facing the camera at all times. The zords are completely out matched individually, leading to the formation of the Ninja MegaZord. It looks like trash. Omg, Ooze becomes a zord himself and they have a battle that looks worse than anything you'd see on the show. It's like a tech demo from Pixar in 1986. Tommy joins and forms the NINJA FALCON MEGAZORD.
The kids of Angel Grove save their parents by...spraying them with a firehose. The battle goes into space, where the NINJA FALCON MEGAZORD uses a LOW BLOW to send Ivan flying into the path of a meteor. Dang, that call back. Weird, the 2017 version has the Megazord do a German suplex to Goldar. Sadly, the Rangers were too late. Zordon has died. But they use their animal spirits to bring that old ball back to life. SWERVE! The movie ends with a firework celebration set to Van Halen.
BUT THEN there's a mid credits stinger of Rita and Zedd coming back to beat the shit out of Goldar.
This is so 90s that it physically hurts at times. It's also terrible, but of course it's terrible. I don't know why I never realized this was clearly not in continuity with the show until now. That ninja shit can get fucked. The CGI was bad even for the time and now looks hilarious today. What I was most taken by was how high the voices of the male rangers sounded. Sounded like they were pitched up to sound more youthful or something. The movie budget suits looked rad. Soundtrack was lit.