Spider-Man (2002)

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Starring

PLOT: When bitten by a genetically modified spider, a nerdy, shy, and awkward high school student gains spider-like abilities that he eventually must use to fight evil as a superhero after tragedy befalls his family.


It's 2002. Batman and Robin tanked the superhero genre. It had just started to be resuscitated by X-Men in 2000. Now, Spiderman is getting his big budget movie, directed by Sam Raimi and scored by Danny Elfman of Batman 1989 fame. You may, in fact, notice that parts of the score are directly lifted from Batman 1989. Shamelessly, even. It's also in that weird post 9/11 era, yet this is set in New York City and shot before that event. In fact, one of the earliest trailers had Spiderman catching a helicopter between the Twin Towers, set to music straight out of The Matrix. Awkward.

 
 

Anyway, the movie starts with a super cunty bus driver taking glee in Peter Parker having to chase the bus for blocks. Mary Jane Watson makes him stop. And then Peter is tripped because he's a FUCKIN' NERD. There's a class field trip, and this is where we meet the Osborns, Norman and Harry. Norman has them pull up in a Rolls Royce, and Harry is embarrassed to show off his opulence with these pleb public school pupils. Norman and Peter discuss science shit, because they're FUCKIN' NERDS. They're all hanging out, looking at spiders and shit. Oh shit, Harry is using Peter's lines on Mary Jane, because Peter is too afraid to talk to her. FUCKIN' NERD. One of these genetically engineered spiders escaped and, what do you know, it bit Peter. Dang, I hope that wasn't radioactive. Oh word, check out that screen that shows all of the powers that spider that bit him had. I wonder if Peter will get them, too.

 
 

TO THE OSCORP. Some sweet R&D for the military. Like gliders, and what appears to be something similar to the super serum formula. Oh dang, Norman better get his shit together or his funding is going to be given to someone else. Next, we meet Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Ben has recently been laid off from his job of 35 years, and all the jobs these days are for computers. Peter comes home, sick as hell, on account of being poisoned by a genetically engineered spider. 

Now, Norman is personally testing his shit even though he and his staff knows it isn't safe. Can't lose that funding. Oh shit, Norman died! Oh shit, SWERVE, he's alive and now crazy. His transformation after getting hit with the gas is straight out of an Evil Dead movie, complete with the big milky eyes and zoom in for the scare.


Peter wakes up, suddenly having put on about 40 pounds of lean muscle overnight. Someone call USADA. Also his glasses no longer work because his eyes are perfect now. Oh dang, check out the DELTA from the Evil Dead series chilling in the driveway. MJ lives next door, and her dad is a fucking cunt. Constantly screaming at her and her mother, telling them both how worthless they are and shit. What a peckerhead. Harry suddenly finds his father passed out. Oh shit, the dude Norman totally killed when he took the serum is totally dead! And the flight suit and glider are totally missing!  I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED.

Back at school, Peter suddenly has super great reflexes and almost has a moment with MJ. Pull the trigger, you FUCKIN' NERD. Luckily, no one seems to notice him shooting spider webs out of his wrist at lunch. Except for the bully. Even more lucky, SPIDER SENSES, YO! Flash tries to punch Peter, repeatedly, but Peter is able to dodge every time. Hey, maybe the QUADRUPLE BACKFLIP counter was a bit much, Pete. That shit ain't normal, breh. After DECISIVELY winning the fight, Peter runs away because you know, he just did a quadruple backflip and knocked a dude 30 yards away with a punch to the chest. And then he decides, hey, maybe I should climb this wall. And what do you know, he can climb that wall, brother. From there, he goes on his Matrix journey of jumping across buildings. Woah. It takes him a few tries to figure out how his webbing works, but he does figure it out. Of course, it plays out like something directly out of Army Of Darkness, with a few shots that seem directly taken from it. Peter returns home late that day, missing out on the paint job he and Uncle Ben were going to do. He's just in time to hear MJ's parents screaming, though. They have a nice moment. "Sometimes, you know people. You can just see what's coming." YER GONNA DIE, MJ. Excuse me, I'm a Christian. I'm sorry. "You know, you're taller than you look." Lol. 


For some unknown reason, Peter starts drawing up costumes, even though he has no reason at all to have a costume. Sweet Dr. Pepper product placement. Dr. Pepper: One taste and you'll get it. Dr. Pepper: Makes The World Better. Dr. Pepper: Be You. Dr. Pepper: The King of Beverages. Chinese Democracy: Brought to you by Dr. Pepper.

Peter lies about going to a museum to go to a WRESTLING SHOW. That's why he was drawing up costumes. To be a wrestler. And who does he see? BONESAW. Played by the Macho Man Randy Savage. DIG IT. OH SHIT FLYING ELBOW DROP. Oh fuck, It's Bruce Campbell as the ring announcer! Ash and Macho Man together. My worlds are colliding in such a wonderful way. Hell yes, Macho is DOMINATING THESE FOOLS. BONESAW IS READY! Hold up, is one of these broads a Nitro Girl?


Bonesaw vs Spiderman

Spidey is pissed from the start that he got announced as Spiderman instead of the Human Spider. File under D for DEAD! OH SHIT, CAGE MATCH! SWERVE! Macho is even more jacked and vascular than his last WCW run. JUICED TO THE TITS. Macho has 3 minutes to beat Spidey, who tries to hide at the top of the cage while making gay jokes. Macho beats hits ass with a chair. CZFNW. Oh no, a monkey flip sees Macho land DIRECTLY on his fucking head. Spiderman wins! New champion! 


LOLOLOLOLOLOL Spidey got stiffed by the promoter. $100 when the ad said $3K. Carny shit even in the movies. A robber comes in and Pete lets him go, because fuck that promoter, right? Sadly, Uncle Ben was carjacked and shot coming to pick Peter up. SWERVE. The moral of this movie: wrestling is terrible and will ruin your life. Peter LEAVES HIS DEAD UNCLE on the fucking sidewalk to go after the shooter. Disregard the early 2000s CGI that looks bad 15 years later. This is still pretty dope. Peter figuring out his powers and how to web swing out of RAGE and HATRED. When he finally catches up with the guy who killed Uncle Ben, it's the robber from the wrestling show, and it's a scene straight out of Batman 1989. The dude trips over a pipe, falls out of a building, and dies. Now the coppers think Spiderman killed a dude. OH SHIT. The very next scene is Peter and Aunt May hugging. The very next scene after that is Norman killing the military dude who was going to cut off funding to Oscorp, which directly fades into a GRADUATION SCENE. Holy tonal change, Batman! And that goes directly into Peter feeling bad about the last thing he said to Ben. Fuck. With great power comes great responsibility. REMEMBER THAT.


Of course, the death of Uncle Ben inspires Peter to go around the city fighting crime. Lmao, Jim Norton OUTTA NOWHERE. Of shit, XENA OUTTA NOWHERE. This brings us to J. Jonah Jameson about an hour into the movie. The GOAT. "If he doesn't want to be famous, then I'll make him INFAMOUS!" 


Peter runs into MJ, who is working as a waitress. Somehow, despite Peter and Harry living together, Harry had failed to mention he was dating MJ. The frick. THE FRICK. Probably still using Peter's lines, too, the cunt. Peter ends up taking photos of Spiderman to make a living. 

Oh shit, Oscorp has been sold, and Norman's involvement is non-negotiable. "You're out, Norman." 


As you'd imagine, this didn't go over well with ol' Norman. At the big unity festival, the god damn GREEN GOBLIN attacks. Mind you, this is an hour into the movie. It seems like this should be the climax, but it's the halfway point. Omg, Norman threw a bomb that turned the Oscorp board into DUST. Luckily, Spiderman is there to save the day. Not really the DAY, but MJ in particular. He probably wouldn't have done dick if MJ wasn't in danger. Of course, Spidey saves the day, and MJ.

Norman goes crazy and starts hallucinating...himself. It doesn't take long for the Green Goblin to attack the Daily Bugle in an attempt to find Spiderman. Whom he did find. And instead of taking Spiderman's mask off, Norman just makes him sleepy and takes him to the top of a roof. The fuck? And here's the scene where the hero and villain make it clear how they're different and the villain tries to get the hero to join the dark side. They didn't even fight. Norman just flew away.


Shortly after, Spiderman saves MJ from a group of muggers. In the rain. which means you can see her tits. Which, tbh, every scene with her has her bouncing breasts as a very focal point. This is the famous upside down kiss in the rain scene, for those wondering.

Talk about an awkward dinner: Aunt May, Peter, Norman, MJ, and Harry. At this point, Norman seems to realize Peter is Spiderman and bails. Shit gets weird. Next up, the Goblin goes after Aunt May. What a cock. The next chunk of the movie goes back and forth between May's recovery, MJ and Peter getting closer, and Norman getting increasingly more crazy. And then MJ wakes up on top of a bridge. OOPS. Dang, the Green Goblin has Spiderman's love interest trapped on top of a bridge? Boy, what could happen next? Goblin gives Spidey the choice between saving MJ or a train full of kids. "We are who we chose to be. Now choose!" Spidey saves MJ first, but manages to save the kids as well. Lmao at people on the bridge throwing shit at the Green Goblin. Luckily, everyone lives, and we get a Goblin/Spidey showdown in...an abandoned something or other.

Spidey's mask is torn apart. The power of love motivates Spidey to keep fighting. That's really the story of Peter Parker in general, I guess. During the beat down, Norman reveals himself, and Spidey is shocked. Weird. it seems like he totally knew a few minutes ago. It was all a SWERVE, anyway. Unfortunately, Norman forgot Spidey had Spidey Sense, so he got killed by his own damn glider. His last words: "Don't tell Harry." 


The movie ends with the funeral of Norman Osborn, with Harry vowing revenge on Spiderman, and MJ revealing that in her time of imminent death, it was Peter Parker she was thinking of. YO WTF, Peter is making out with Harry's girlfriend at Harry's DAD'S FUNERAL. And Peter basically killed his dad. WTF. Every bro code that could be broken has been broken. And yet, Peter puts her in the fucking friendzone. Hardcore. This girl that he's been pining over since he was 6 just got friendzoned after she told him SHE LOVES HIM. "Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: With great power comes great responsibility. This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spiderman."  


This is pretty dope. I had kind of felt it got outdone by a lot of the later comic book movies to come, but I'm now back to my original opinion that this is dope. The same thing happened to me with Batman 1989. It's so refreshing to see a comic book movie that doesn't end with a gigantic, world ending battle with 30 dudes and thousands of mooks getting destroyed. Just a one on one battle over ideology, with the bad guy trying to get extrapersonal to be a dick. That's it. The bad guy dies in an abandoned building. The city isn't destroyed. Thousands of people didn't die. Some people died, but there wasn't the mass destruction and chaos that has come to define superhero movies in the intervening 15 years. 

Sure, it has some pacing issues, and the CGI doesn't always hold up, but it's still a FUN movie that feels and looks like a comic book. Weird to me that they hired such an idiosyncratic director like Sam Raimi, yet outside of literally 2-3 SHOTS, not even scenes, you'd have no idea Raimi made this. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the music. Joe Perry of Aerosmith, who did the theme for the 90s animated series, somehow got the full band to not only do a version from the 60s show, but perform it live. 

The big hit song from the soundtrack was "Hero", by Chad Kroeger of Nickelback featuring Josey Scott of Saliva. Now, I know Nickelback being the worst band ever has been a meme for like a decade, but if any of you motherfuckers tell me you didn't download this song from Limewire/Napster/Kazaa to burn to a CD to listen to on your discman, you're a fucking liar. 

 
 

FUCKIN' NERD

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