007 A View To A Kill (1985)


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Starring

PLOT: An investigation of a horse-racing scam leads 007 to a mad industrialist who plans to create a worldwide microchip monopoly by destroying California's Silicon Valley.


TO THE COLD OPENING.  And by cold, I mean very cold, as we're in Siberia, which means snow, glaciers, and SKIING! Bond finds a frozen body (later revealed to be 003) buried in the snow. Inside the body's coat is a locket that contains a computer chip. Bond gets it and the RUSSIANS start shooting at him. Oh shit, OHMSS theme remix. Lmao, Bond skis up behind a snowmobile and hijacks that shit using a hook. The Russian never saw it coming. Which, btw, these Russians suck. Dudes on skis, on a snowmobile, and helicopter can't get to him. And then 007 casually invents snowboarding. And then the BEACH BOYS start playing. Luckily, a chunk of ice was actually a MI6 ship. Even luckier, there was a hot blonde in there, which James fucks.


TITLE SEQUENCE. Fuck yes, this song is the SHIT. Duran Duran arguably at their peak. Titles full of black lights and neon paint. So appropriate for 70 year old Roger Moore.  

Meeting you with a view to a kill
Face to face in secret places feel the chill
Nightfall covers me
But you know, the plans I'm making
Still oversee
Could it be the whole earth opening wide
A sacred why, a mystery gaping inside
The weekends why, until we

Dance into the fire
That fatal kiss is all we need
Dance into the fire
To fatal sounds of broken dreams
Dance into the fire
That fatal kiss is all we need
Dance into the fire

The choice for you is the view to a kill
Between the shades assassination standing still
The first crystal tears
Fall as snowflakes on your body
First time in years
To drench your skin with lover's rosy stain
A chance to find a phoenix for the flame
A chance to die, but can we

Dance into the fire
That fatal kiss is all we need
Dance into the fire
To fatal sounds of broken dreams
Dance into the fire
That fatal kiss is all we need
Dance into the fire

When all we see is the view to a kill


Not only is this Roger's last time as Bond, it's also Lois Maxwell's last time as Moneypenny. It's a real changing of the guard movie. Q gives a briefing on EMPs and microchips. A PDC came up with a chip impervious to EMPs. It turns out that the KGB has their own lead into that technology. The chip is made by Zorin Industries, and M is very against the idea of checking into Max Zorin for...reasons, I guess. 

TO THE RACES. The way to spy on Zorin is to follow him at the pony races. Is this the Kentucky Derby? Idk, but Max Zorin is played by Christopher Walken, and his girlfriend is noted NWO member Grace Jones, aka May Day. Oh wait, they're in Paris. You can tell by the Eiffel tower and people speaking with ze French and Zherman accents. At a meeting with a private detective about Zorin's horse, that they think is juicing, some broad does a bizarre show with butterflies on strings, which are hijacked by May Day to kill the private dick. Basically by just running a fishing hook through his face. There's no way that should have killed him unless it was poisoned or some shit. "There's a fly in his soup." 

Bond chases May Day UP THE FUCKING EIFFEL TOWER. And she escapes by BASE JUMPING OFF THE FUCKING EIFFEL TOWER. Lmao. James does the natural thing and hijacks a taxi, ramps it on top of a bus, and tries to chase the still in the air May Day. Almost exactly 20 minutes in, right on time. Alas, she gets away on a boat with Max. 


Bond goes undercover as "Sinjin Smythe" at a horse sale on Zorin's estate. His actual cover name is James St. John Smythe, but he pronounces it in the weirdest way possible. Is this a weird British thing? What started as checking into the microchips thing has become a plot to reveal if...Zorin's horses are on steroids? Lmao. Maybe the horses have computer chips. Typical Bond Bullshit (TM). Lmao, James gets very offended that his helper dude implies he fucks for fun while on a mission. He's expected to sacrifice himself. FOR THE QUEEN! 

I'm going to be honest, I've completely lost the plot. I'm just here for the wonderful faces Roger Moore makes. The most British man ever put on film talks about horse breeding, and Sinjin finally meets with Max Zorin. They talk about the horses. "I'm happiest...in the saddle...*giggle". 007 hits on this broad that is making deals with Zorin, and May Day cockblocks him. Rude. 


Omg, as if Roger Moore couldn't look any older in this movie, the next scene has him doing recon in a VELOUR FUCKING TRACKSUIT. Oh shit, so the horses DO have microchips, and they basically are used to inject a boost of steroids during a race. I'm not sure that's how steroids work, y'all. 

Zorin has May Day train him in karate, so if you ever wanted to see Christopher Walken and Grace Jones having a karate fight, this is your movie. It gets a bit rapey. Luckily, Bond makes it back to his room before he can be found intruding around the compound. Then he gets to fuck Grace Jones. Rumor has it she showed up to this scene with a giant strap-on, and that the two genuinely disliked each other. I don't know how anyone could ever dislike Roger Moore. What a wonderful chap he was.

The next morning, Zorin requests that Sinjin meet him in his study. "You sleep well?" "A little restless, but I got off eventually." Lol. Anyway, Max uses his computer to reveal that Sinjin Smythe is actually JAMES BOND. LICENSED TO KILL. SWERVE! Instead of just killing 007, Zorin decides to set up an equestrian event and hope James will fall off or be knocked off of his horse. When that doesn't work, he tries to drown James in a car. In a lake. On his property. Just shoot the mother fucker, Max. Christ. If he's going to die on your property by clearly nefarious means, why are you trying to make it look even MORE suspicious? And of course, Max leaves before verifying that Bond was dead, which he wasn't, because he used air from the tires to hide underwater until Zorin and May Day were gone. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO. DO NOT TRY THAT IF YOU ARE TRAPPED UNDERWATER IN A CAR. YOU WILL DIE. 


Oh shit, Dolph Lundgren is a bodyguard of a Soviet general. Dude is looking dapper as hell. Max no longer considers himself a KGB agent. It's implied that Zorin is a biological experiment, possibly of NAZI origin. To be clear, Roger Moore's final villain is a Nazi experiment who was working for the KGB and makes EMP-proof microchips that he uses to inject horses with steroids. Played by Christopher Walken. What a way to go out.

Ah, but he soon reveals his REAL plan. Aboard a blimp. He wants to destroy Silicon Valley so he can form a cartel of the microchip market. Lmao. LMAO. Jesus Christ. That's incredible. One dude who doesn't agree to the terms gets dropped out of the blimp. "So, does anyone else want to drop out?" Looooooool. As the blimp flies over the Golden Gate bridge, May Day and Max are very impressed with the view. "Wow, what a view." "...to a kill." LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. Omg this is the best movie.

James goes to China Town and meets with an undercover CIA contact. Their code word? "Soft shelled crabs." At a seafood market. That seems like a terrible codeword. What if someone actually wants soft shelled crabs? Have you thought about that, CIA? Here, this dude reveals that the dude Sinjin spoke with about horse breeding is actually a Nazi scientist who was a pioneer in the development of steroids. He would test them on pregnant women in the concentration camps, hoping to make super babies. Most of the pregnancies aborted, but the ones that survived were psychotic. And, get this, this guy disappeared from the Russians right around the same time Zorin came to the west, 15 years ago. What coincidence. Another coincidence? James comes across another spy. And then cums across her.

She was trying to swerve James, but James SWERVED her. Also fucked her in a hot tub. And then she completely disappears from the rest of the movie. Lmao.


Remember that hot broad at Zorin's horse auction that Sinjin was trying to smang? He ends up seeing her at some California government agency and I guess follows her home, where she tries to kill him, but then Zorin's goons show up and get a beat down. This movie is absurd. It also is only HALF WAY THROUGH. Lmao, James makes this woman Quiche. Outta nowhere. The fuck. So, her family owned this pipeline in the area that Zorin gained control of via corporate bullshit, and he's trying to get her to drop all the legal issues by...sending dudes to attack her. But she won't be paid off, because she has integrity. Mind you, James was literally sneaking into Zorin's plant 3 scenes ago. Then he came across a random spy and fucked her. And now he's about to fuck this other broad. He seems to have completely given up on the mission. Except this time, she falls asleep and he DOESN'T fuck her, instead standing guard all night. 

Through a goofy series of events, James and XXX end up held captive by Zorin and May Day. Trapped in a burning elevator at City Hall. Then James hijacks a fire truck, which leads a chase through San Francisco. They then sneak into Zorin's mine, despite neither looking like miners and Tanya is wearing fucking heels. This fucking Zorin cat owns one of everything, I guess.

You see, Zorin's plan is to blow up his mines, which will cause a series of floods around the San Andreas fault, which will cause a DOUBLE EARTHQUAKE, thereby destroying Silicon Valley. The mine they're in right now is above a "geological lock" that keeps the tectonic plates from moving all at once, but with enough explosives, he can get plates on both sides of the San Francisco Bay moving at once, flooding the area forever. Keep in mind, this is an hour and forty-five minutes into the movie before this plan is truly revealed and it is absolutely ABSURD. Why wouldn't he just use an EMP to destroy all the chips in the area? You're telling me the EMP-proof chips aren't even going to be used? Looooooooooooooool. Once the explosions start, Max personally just starts shooting everyone in the mine. Because he's a crazy Nazi psychopath. Max's big mistake is that he double crossed May Day, who helped James save the day and sacrificed herself with the bomb. Max's other big mistake? His penchant for blimps. Said blimp gets tied to the Golden Gate Bridge, where James and Max brawl atop of. Max falls to his death, while the old Nazi dude attempts to THROW DYNAMITE at James. Instead, the blimp blows up. Bet you didn't see that one coming. 

James is awarded the Order of Lenin, the first time ever awarded to a non-Soviet citizen. Since no one has been able to find James or his body, he's presumed dead. Turns out, he was back banging XXX in the shower. Oh, James.  


BOND GIRLS: 

May Day, played by the incomparable Grace Jones, is for sure the most memorable of the women in this movie. Sutton and James don't bang until the very end of the movie, and Ivanova is literally there for one scene to bang and get played. At this point, Roger Moore was nearly 60 and looked not a day under 70. May Day fucks him and it's weird because she's Max's girl, but Max is like lolsure and then the start of a very awkward sexual encounter starts as Max just kind of bails on the whole thing. 

GADGETS: 

There really aren't any. There isn't even a Q run down scene. Near the start of the movie, Q shows some remote controlled drone, essentially, but it doesn't come into play in the story at all until the very end when he uses it to see Bond fucking in the shower. When James and his helper are on Max's estate, they use an electric razor that is actually a tracker for bugs, but other than that 007 doesn't use any gadgets while in the field. 


This was the last Bond film for both Roger Moore and Lois Maxwell. Moore's last scene is him literally throwing in the towel, while Maxwell's last scene has her crying, believing James to have been killed. SUPER UPLIFTING, Y'ALL.

Sadly, the world lost Lois in September of 2007, while Sir Roger Moore passed away from cancer on May 23, 2017. Both were the longest reigning actors in their roles in the series, with Maxwell appearing as Miss Moneypenny in 14 films, while Moore starred as Bond in 7 different movies. Bernard Lee, M, died in 1981, and Desmond Llewelyn, Q, would pass in 1999. Rest in peace to all of the lost members of the Bond family.

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