Friday The 13th 3 (1982)


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Starring:

PLOT: Having revived from his wound, Jason Voorhees takes refuge at a cabin near Crystal Lake. As a group of co-eds arrive for their vacation, Jason continues his killing spree.


Would you believe that this movie starts with the last scene of the previous movie playing? Actually it ends slightly differently, with Jenny pulling off Jason's hood, then a shot of Jason stirring and picking up the machete, neither of which were actually shown in 2. Then the title sequence starts and THIS IS THE DOPEST MUSIC OF ALL TIME. Spooky disco theme. Tremendous. TREMENDOUS. Disco. IN 3D!

 
 

The actual movie starts at a Crystal Lake store/cabin where some wife is yelling at her husband for getting his clothes dirty after she spent all day cleaning them. This is wonderful for the dude sticking the end of a stick right into the camera, because it's 3D, so everything has to be right up in the camera. Wonderful. A TV report is talking about the events of part 2, so this must be the same night. Jason is just kind of chilling, walking around the area to see whats up. Spying on the dude eating fish food, like you do. AH FUCK at that 3D snake. FUCK. It scared the guy so much he had to run in and take a very disgusting sounding shit. And he has a bottle of hooch stashed away by the shitter. Even I'm not that much of a drunk. And he gets up without wiping. This man dies with a cleaver to the chest and a shitty ass. I don't feel bad for him. Disgusting slob. His wife got a knitting needle through the neck. That was a bizarrely long intro to the movie for something completely unrelated to the rest of it. I guess this is where Jason got his new clothes from.


We meet our new group of kids. I don't think their names matter. Two of them are fuck buddies, one of them had something bad happen to her at the lakes once, and the other is weirdo who seems a bit into serial killers. Oh shit, the van is on fire! Oh. It's just two stoners. They're like 15 years older than everyone else. Why the fuck are they hanging out with 20 year olds? Oh, and one of these women is pregnant. Along the way to, presumably Crystal Lake, they pass the little shop where the people got killed, then meet a weirdo who was taking a nap in the middle of the road. Carrying an eyeball. Who also had shit stains on the back of his pants. I guess he's the Ralph character for the movie. Anyway, there's like 15 minute of fake outs and "character" moments until two of them end up at a gas station. The theme song for the movie is playing. And then they get into trouble with black bikers.  

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The bikers follow them back to the camp where their idea is to...burn the fucking barn down. The fuck? Joke's on them: This is Jason's barn now. Check out that sweet rolling crossbody block from the dead guy!  You know when I think of little lake towns in New Jersey, the first thing that comes to mind is definitely black biker gangs (with a token whitey). 

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So, one of the girls had a run in with Jason in the woods once. There's another scene of a guy getting scared while shitting. The writers for this were really fixated on shit. From here, it's just Jason picking of the kids. There's no story. This isn't even Crystal Lake. It's Hoggins Haven. And even though this takes place in the same 24 hours as part 2, Jason is wearing a completely different outfit and has apparently cut off what hair he had left. He now has a hockey mask he got from one of the kids who he killed off camera. But he's got a spear gun and has the most incredible aim. He's also very low key about all of this. Just casually strolling around. Oh hey, guy walking around the house on your hands for no reason. HAVE FUN GETTING CHOPPED IN HALF DICK FIRST YOU FUCK. 

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Lol at one of the girls reading a story about Tom Savini in Fangoria magazine. OH SHIT GODZILLA. I can almost appreciate the complete lack of even an attempt of a plot. This is not Crystal Lake. These are not campers or people trying to reopen the camp. It's just a random cabin in the woods where some people are staying for the weekend. And Jason killing them, because why not. If it IS on the lake itself, which I don't think it is, but it is near it, at least, how in the fuck did they not hear about the mass murder that happened there the night before? Why are cops letting people anywhere near the lake? They actually passed cops on the way, at the little shop from the beginning. Where two more bodies were found. Yet they don't have the road closed not even 24 hours later? 


What's really weird here is that when the final girl is fighting back and stabbing him, Jason yells in pain like a normal dude. Despite clearly being some undead zombie thing already. Dude gets chopped and stabbed and falls from great heights and just keeps going. She actually beats the shit out of him, too. KO'd him with a shovel to the head. Then straight up hangs him. Of course, this doesn't kill him, and then he flashes his face to make sure she knows that he was the guy chasing her in the woods that other time. So then she takes an AX TO HIS HEAD and he still doesn't stay down. Well, he goes down, so she goes to take a nap on a canoe in a lagoon. When she wakes up in the morning, Jason also wakes up. OR DID HE?!? He just kind of vanished. Seems like she was maybe just imagining it all. And then MRS. VOORHEES JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND GRABS HER. 

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Police show up we see Jason really is dead and there was nothing in the water. The end.     


This was supposed to be the end of the series. Hence the jump scare fake out at the end. Obviously, that wouldn't stick. More interestingly, it was originally going to be about Ginny in the hospital, with Jason coming after her for revenge. So...Halloween II. I might have preferred that, to be honest. But it didn't happen because the actress thought she was going to be going on to much bigger things. Lol. She regrets it now, according to His Name Was Jason. 

 There's an awful lot of shit related stuff in this. Combine that with the complete lack of a plot, but some great kills, makes this a very weird entry. And the 3D, which is hilarious to watch not in 3D, because it's like a parody of what people would do in a 3D movie. It gets 5 stars just for the music, though.

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