Friday The 13th 4 (1984)

 
 

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Starring:

Plot: After being mortally wounded and taken to the morgue, murderer Jason Voorhees spontaneously revives and embarks on a killing spree as he makes his way back to his home at Camp Crystal Lake.


The Final Chapter. Lol. The last movie was supposed to be the last movie. There were 6 more movies in the main series, a crossover movie, and a reboot. 

This movie...again starts with recaps from the previous movies. Then it cuts to the immediate aftermath of part 3. Well, actually it's later that night. All the bodies are being taken to the morgue. Here, we got the most stereotypical coroner, who eats around the bodies, rests his food on the bodies, and makes necrophilia jokes. He also makes a period joke when trying to get a nurse to fuck him. IN THE MORGUE. Which she actually goes for. With Jason in the room. As she just watched a news report about him killing 10 people. She only comes to her senses when Jason's hand falls off the gurney and maybe grabs her ass. So what does the coroner do? Watch an aerobics dance video, of course. And then Jason not only slices his throat, but also twists his head completely around. SWERVE! He's alive!  He then slices the nurse, even though she didn't even have sex. 

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CUT TO. Two women jogging around in the woods. Probably around...CRYSTAL LAKE?!?! We're introduced to the Jarvis family: Mrs. Jarvis, older daughter Trish, and young Tommy, who has a penchant for video games and making monster masks. They apparently live or are staying at a house on Crystal Lake. 6 kids have rented the house/cabin next to them, and we're soon introduced to them. The only one you need to worry about is weird ass Crispin Glover, who of course always plays himself in movies. This group of kids is staying across from the Jarviseseses. Before they do, they refuse to pick up a hitchhiker, because she was fat. And then Jason kills her because she was...idk. In the way, I guess. After all this talk about Crispin being a "dead fuck", the hitchhiker dies while eating a banana, which squishes and goes limp. Like a FLACCID PENIS. GET IT?! SYMBOLISM.

 
 

Now, hold up. This is now what...3 nights after the events of 2? And now 2 nights after 3. I think. Regardless, all of these people should be very aware of the like...20 murders that have happened on the lake over the past few days. You'd think no one would be staying around there for a bit. Anyway, there's some stuff about Crispin having a soft donger, and one of the girls discussing being a virgin with her friend. Later that night, Tommy gets to spy on one of the girls getting undressed and then banging. He flips his shit, because what 11-12 year old boy wouldn't be hyped to be seeing hot young people banging from his bedroom? Then mom comes in and ocblocks him by pulling the blinds of his window down. Ocblock. Like cockblock, but with the eyes. Like ocular. GET IT. Fuck off.

 
 

Where did these twins come from? Shout out to skinny dipping. Tommy tries to watch this, too, and now his sister ocblocks him. RUDE as fuck. Just let that kid see some titties. Damn. Where's the harm in that? Trish's car breaks down on the way back to the cabin, and she leaves...the 12 year old to fix it. You're the adult, there isn't a dad around, you should be able to work on a car if you're living out in the woods. Being a lady is no excuse, even in the 1980s. Luckily, some random hiker shows up and fixes it. What a coincidence...this guy is there to hunt something. And is wondering if there are kids or campers around. It's almost like he's been paying attention to the last few days in the area. READ A FUCKING NEWSPAPER, YOU FUCKS. Tommy is so starved for adult male attention that he brings this stranger up to his room to look at all of his monster masks. Across the...street?... the kids are having a party. Crispin is dancing like only Crispin Glover could dance. The kids all pair off, Crispin gets mad that his friend keeps calling him a dead fuck. To be fair, that's pretty rude. A real bro wouldn't keep saying shit like that. One of the girls gets mad and goes...out to the lake to skinny dip by herself late at night. Wtf. Two girls did that at the same lake where there happens to be a mass murderer around in two or three days of each other? Who does that? Jason was I guess taking a swim at the same time, and he pops up to stab her from under the boat. It's an inflatable boat, so it should have popped. But it didn't. CONTINUITY ERROR. 

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Her boyfriend stops dancing with one of the twins and goes out to find her. In the still fully aired up raft that should be flat. And he gets STABBED IN THE DICK AND LIFTED INTO THE AIR WITH A SPEAR GUN. IN THE DICK. Crispin got it in with one of the twins! Congrats, breh. And he wasn't a dead fuck. It's a shame that everyone got drunk/stoned or fucked, because Jason's now in the house and killing them all. Now you're really a dead fuck, Crispin. That's a pun. Go fuck yourself. Jason is just straight up teleporting now. Going from the lake to the kitchen to up the side of the fucking house where he can pull one of the twins out the window from the second story on top of a car. Hell of a bump. That hiker guy? Jason killed his sister...a few days ago. Wait. Trish knows about Jason. The dude who killed 20 people near her house in the past 2-3 days. And she was never once nervous about this? Your timeline is fucked, Cunningham. That dude's sister likely hasn't even had her funeral yet. 

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So the girl who hadn't fucked yet? She fucks a dude in the shower. And the first thing she says? "I think I'm in love." Worst case scenario, right there. Luckily, he didn't hear what she said. Or if he did, he played it off like a smart man. Oh well, they're both killed about a minute later. That love twas not to be. Also dead is Crispin's dick shaming friend.   

Now, get this. Hiker and Trish are pretty sure Jason's around. So what do they do? Go check out the house next door because they think Jason was there. The fuck are you thinking? And it just so happened, he was hanging out in the basement in case someone came down there. "AAHAHHH HE'S KILLING ME, HE'S KILLING ME!" Lol. What a weird reaction to being hacked to death. Trish and Tommy run back to their house. It seems like they're the only ones left. The mom is missing. The dog even ran away. OH SHIT JASON HAS TOMMY! Trish whacks the shit out of him with a hammer. Then he busts through the front door. Mother fucker, do you not know how to enter a house? You're not supposed to bust through doors and windows, you water logged fuck. Shit. Have some respect for homeowners insurance. Oh shit, Trish ain't fucking around. CRT monitor to the head. Jason chases Trish around and Tommy has the idea to...shave his head to look like little Jason. What? What kind of idea is that? Why would that even occur to you to do? Trish really fucks Jason up in this. Chops his hand in half, hacks him in the chest. What bad ass. She knocks his mask off, and he looks significantly different than what he did in the last movie, which is is a day or two later at the most. Tommy hits him in the fucking head with the machete. Jason falls down and slides down it, with his skull being sliced. CZFNW.  

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But wait, he's not dead! SWERVE! Tommy picks up the machete and just hacks the fuck out of him. "DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!" 

 
 

The movie, like the others, ends in a hospital. Trish asks to see Tommy, and it's clear that Tommy will never be the same.


A big step up from 3. On all fronts, really. Well, except for the music. There isn't much of a plot, but there is at least something of one, and the characters are actual characters with motivations and arcs that make you give at least something of a shit about them. Relateable characters, half a plot, and some great kills. You can't really ask for much more in one of these movies. 

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