WWF Summerslam 1991
It's the summer time, and the living is anything but easy! Nuptials will turn to napalm! Brain, Gorilla, and Piper will be calling the action.
Ricky Steamboat/Kerry Von Erich/British Bulldog vs Power and Glory/Warlord
So many drugs and steroids in this ring. Roma and Steamboat begin. The lack of heat for anyone besides Bulldog is pretty shocking. Even Steamboat can't get a reaction. He also spends most of the match in the ring for his team. Roma has a dope suplex. There are a ton of miscommunications towards the end and Steamboat pins Roma with the cross body.
TO THE MOON. Mr. Perfect says perfection is better than excellence.
Bret Hart vs Mr. Perfect WWF Intercontinental Championship
Perfect is coming into this with a back that is so bad he'll miss the next year of in ring action. Stu and Helen are in the audience, but Brain spends a lot of time making fun of Piper's parents instead. "I heard a rumor that your mom and dad ran away from home." Lol. "You know, Piper used to come home from school and found out his parents moved." Lol. Bret controls the opening minutes with technique. Bret is just a step ahead on everything until Perfect throws a cheap shot in the corner that rocks Bret. From there, Perfect stays in control for a long time, usually throwing out another cheap shot if Bret starts to get some momentum. Bret kicks out of the Perfect Plex, which even Hogan couldn't do without a huge delay. After Coach interference, Perfect hits multiple blatant low blows in front of Hebner. He then tries one too many, which Bret turns into a sharpshooter. New champion! Bret celebrates with Stu and Helen in the crowd. Oh, that cunt Bruce is there, too. Al totally cut Stu off.
TO THE MEAN GENE. The Bushwhackers and Andre are in the back. Earthquake was involved in an angle to show why Andre needed crutches on screen. Not sure why they couldn't have just said "the years of wrestling have taken their toll on Andre", but whatever. At this point, Quake being the man to take out Andre just made Andre look bad since Quake was now feuding with the BUSHWHACKERS.
Bushwhackers vs Natural Disasters
Jesus fuck. What a horrific match. Who the fuck would book something like this right after Bret/Perfect? And why the fuck are Quake/Typhoon bumping so much for the Bushwhackers? This was absolutely terrible, and went on for at least twice as long as it needed to be. Quake had a headlining match with Hogan last year. This year, he's bumping for Butch. The Disasters start to go after Andre after the match, but LOD cuts them off.
TO THE BRAIN. Bobby went to Hogan's dressed room holding the NWA Championship. Hulk slams the door on him.
TO THE BACK. Randy Savage is on the phone talking to fans about his wedding. He won't tell the fan where the honeymoon will be, because he can't know that the guy won't call up Liz next and spill the beans. Lol.
TO THE MOON. Ted laughs about all the horrible things he's done to his former totally not a slave Virgil.
Ted DiBiase vs Virgil Million Dollar Championship
Piper gives virgil a kiss before the match, and Virgil attacks Ted before the bell. Ted bumping like a maniac isn't going to make Virgil look competent. Virgil absolutely splatters himself missing a dive, but the commentary team missed completely because all three were talking about Ric Flair. Ted control the match with stomps and punches for a few minutes until Virgil locks on the Million Dollar Dream. Sherri hits the ring and causes a DQ. Hebner then reverses his decision and the match continues with Sherri ejected from ringside. This is not good. There is a ref bump after there was already a restart to the match. Ted doesn't even cheat during this. He just does suplexes. he then kicks Earl when Earl is about up. Ted takes off the turnbuckle pad, but Virgil rams HIM into it. Virgil then pins after a huge delay. New champion. What a bizarrely overbooked match.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with The Mountie and NYPD, as the loser of his match with Boss Man will be spending a night in jail. I think that is abuse of the system.
TO THE MOON. Boss Man cuts the same promo.
Big Boss Man vs The Mountie Jailhouse Match
I'm really pretty confident this match is not legal. Boss Man starts the match by punching Mountie in the face. I wish that's where it has ended, as what seemed like it was going to be a squash for Boss Man ends up with Mountie controlling the match for quite a long time. When he's on offense, the match is horrific. Mountie for some reason kicks out of the Boss Man Slam, so Boss Man wins with the Alabama Slam instead. Mountie is going to jail!
TO THE MEAN GENE. Ted and Sherri are pissed.
TO THE MOON. Bret celebrates with his new championship.
TO THE MOON. Jimmy Hart is having a conniption, but Quake/Typhoon don't really give a shit about the Mountie. They're going to EAT the LOD.
TO THE MOON. Boss Man proved he is the law and order of the WWF.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene gets a hold of Macho, is still on the phone with fans. "Wait a minute, I'm on the phone. Dig it?!" Gene tries to go see Liz, but Macho won't let him.
After intermission, Mountie is being booked.
TO THE MOON. Jimmy is still freaking out, and the Nasty Boys also don't give a shit about Mountie. Great family you got there, Jimmy.
TO THE MEAN GENE. WELLLLLLLLL. Hawk said something about men, boys, and monsters.
TO THE JAIL. Mountie gets his finger prints taken.
TO THE MOON. Sean speaks with the Triangle of Terror. Hogan and Warrior are the outnumbered ones, and they'll going down. Sarge has a giant smudge on one of the lenses of his sunglasses, and it is bothering me so much.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with SID! Sid will be the guest referee for the main event. He's going to call it right down the middle. Gene shows footage of the Triangle trying to get Sid to join them earlier in the day.
Nasty Boys vs Legion of Doom WWF Tag Team Championships
Fuck. They finally get back to ringside and...the Nasty Boys. I'd rather go back to 10 minutes of 30 second promos. Animal powerbombs Knobs, so at least there's that. If any match on the card should be a squash, it's this, but instead, the Nasty Boys control 80% of the match for a team known for not selling for anyone. They win with the Doomsday Device. New champions.
IRS vs Greg valentine
Wtf. This show has been terrible outside of Bret/Perfect. This could not be any more boring. IRS won with a small package.
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACK DUDE. Finally, Hogan and Warrior ranting and raving. Hulkamania and...Warrior Wildness. That never caught on.
Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior vs Sgt. Slaughter/General Adnan/Col. Mustafa Special Guest Referee: Sid Justice
Hogan and Warrior fighting for AMERICA. Bringing Sheiky back under a different name and from Iraq is so crazy. They even showed clips of Hogan beating him for the title ON THIS SHOW. It's so weird. Hogan and Warrior absolutely dominate Sarge. Crowd died immediately. Sid arguing over rules allows Hogan to be opened up for a cheap shot, and then Hulk sells for a fucking manager. This is so bad. The only thing anyone cares about is Sid's interactions with Hogan/Warrior. Hogan pins Sarge. Then everyone leaves but Hulk. Hulk eventually gets Sid to come back and pose with him.
Back in the jail, a man with the most audacious gay voice you've ever heard on a wrestling show asks Mountie if he loves the way leather feels on his body.
TO THE WEDDING. I love the idea that the Macho/Liz relationship in the 80s has been completely retconned to be this great, loving one the whole time when Macho's gimmick was basically being a cunt to her. Also lol that in real life, they were about to get a divorce. Omg, Macho has silk hand wraps on. Lmao. For the first (and only) time in pro wrestling, a wedding went down without a hitch. Well, until the reception. But that wasn't included on the PPV so we'll have to talk about that another time.
Not what you might call a "good show". Outside of Perfect/Hart, the wrestling ranges from horrendous to pretty bad. Still, hot crowds and nostalgia can make a lot of things watchable.