WWE Summerslam 2003
Dudley Boyz vs La Resistance World Tag Team Championships
Have a French Revolution gimmick in 2003, y'all. And make them heels. Dudleys attack the Frenchies in the aisle. USA! Unsurprisingly, Bubba is absurdly stiff with two young guys with little experience. Also unsurprisingly, this isn't very good. Ol' Syl was very not good. At least Rene could bump. Rene got hit with the 3D, but Sylvain pulled the ref out of the ring. Then a camera man hit D-Von with a camera and Rene got the pin. Titles retained. SWERVE: It was ROB CONWAY! LOOK AT HIM! Bubba and Spike also got hit with the camera. Coach caught up with the Dudleys after the match. Dudley's accused him of being another anti-American sympathizer for daring to say the Frenchies were clever in how they won.
TO THE BACK. Eric Bischoff warms up. Christian confronts him about why, as IC Champ, he's not even booked. Eric blamed it on Austin. Christian offers his assistance, but Bischoff says he already has a back up plan.
The Undertaker vs A-Train
You dun it now, Baldo. Sable is out with A-Train. Taker has taped up ribs, and Albert goes right after them, and Taker tries to avoid it. Eventually, that avoidance stops working and Albert goes to town. It's a competent big man match, but both guys were capable of something better, for sure. Taker's run between the summer of 2002 and summer of 2003 was weird. So many matches and feuds with lower card guys that didn't do anything to raise the status of those guys or do anything for Taker. Just "Uh, idk what do we do with him now?" type stuff. This has a ref bump, then A-Train hits the A-Bomb and...Taker of course kicks out. Just like he kicked out of Test's finishers. and Booker's. And Cena's. And everyone but Brock. Then ANOTHER ref bump. No way this match needs two ref bumps. Albert got a chair, got it booted in his face, and Taker won with a chokeslam. After the match, Sable got all sexy with Taker, only for him to grab her by the throat. Then Stephanie McMahon came out and threw out some expert level ground and pound until Albert dragged Sable out of the ring.
TO THE BACK. Chris Jericho gets warmed up.
TO THE COACH. Coach asks some fans about who will win the Elimination Chamber.
Shane McMahon vs Eric Bischoff
If you don't recall, this match came about when it was implied Bischoff RAPED Linda McMahon. Before the match, Bischoff cuts a promo on Linda's delightful vagina. He then implies he fucked her at least 5 times that night. Definitely what everyone wanted to think of before a match: Linda McMahon's vagina. Shane immediately beats Eric's ass. Also, this is just a straight match. With Eric Bischoff. OUTTA NOWHERE, COACH smashes Shane in the back with a chair. Afterwards, Bischoff makes it a no DQ, falls count anywhere match. "So, I tell you what, Coach. Why don't you introduce this piece of shit to those stairs?" Fucking looooooooooool at the idea of Coach turning heel. I forgot his absurd it was at the time. Bischoff also calls for King and JR's mics to be turned off, so Coach can live call the show. "JR, I got this one, thanks. I got it." Eventually, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out. OH HELL YEAH! STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD! Austin can't touch Coach unless physically provoked, so Shane shoves Coach into him. AUSTIN AUSTIN RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. Shane forces Bischoff to "slap" Austin. STUNNER STUNNER STUNNER! Shane then hit the leap of faith elbow drop to get the win.
TO THE BACK. Ric Flair makes sure Randy Orton knows HHH is walking out of the EC with the title tonight. "There is no what if, Randy. No what if." HHH showed up to reiterate that point. Ric doesn't seem to think Randy really gets it.
Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero vs Rhyno vs Tajiri WWE US Championship
ECW represent. Eddie out here avoiding all contact whenever possible. Then everyone gangs up on him. But then Eddie ends up dominating all of them somehow. This is a normal four way match where there's really no story and it's just guys running spots with each other, but since at least 3 of them are pretty competent, it's enjoyable even if you are one of those nerds that like stories in your matches. Scariest part of the match is definitely Tajiri doing a rana over the ropes to Benoit and falling right on his fucking head. Eddie pinned Rhyno after Rhyno did a gore into the title, Benoit hitting the diving headbutt, and Eddie then hitting the frog splash. Title retained.
TO THE BACK. HBK warms up.
EARLIER TONIGHT. Matt Hardy cut a promo on on the recently demolished by Brock Lesnar Zack Gowan, and won his match via forfeit.
Brock Lesnar vs Kurt Angle WWE Championship
At Wrestlemania, Kurt was heel, and Brock was face. Kurt broke his freakin' neck again, and Brock nearly killed himself with a SSP. Kurt returned, regained his title, and now Brock is a heel and Kurt is a face. It's weird to me that these dudes never did a full on shoot style type of match. Even their chain wrestling is pro style instead of amateur. Inoki/Brisco in the 70s did more legit feeling amateur proto-shoot style than these two ever did, which is pretty crazy to think. Brock throws a fit when Kurt gets the better of all the opening exchanges. After a tiltawhirl backbreaker, Brock is pretty firmly in control for a while. This is a weird match. It doesn't feel like a match these two should have. Also, Kurt's singlet looks dingy as hell. The white looks full on gray. Wash your gear, Kurt. It's bizarre to me these guys work full on sports entertainment matches when they both have such legit backgrounds. They could have had the most unique and engaging engaging physical matches for the era, but instead they just worked standard WWE main event matches. Brock is in control until he rams into the post. Then Kurt goes after...the knee. What a surprise, another ref bump. Smackdown really bringing the fuckery to this show. Brock clearly taps out to the ankle lock, but VINCE MCMAHON shows up and hits Kurt with a chair. Man, I LOVE Vince's summer outfits of slacks and untucked 2 sizes too big Tommy Bahama shirts. Brock hits a one legged F5 that seems to drop Kurt on his fucking broken neck. Of course the delay in the pin means Kurt kicks out. Vince gives the devil look and tells Brock to do it again. Kurt counters it into the ankle lock and gets Brock to tap out. Even though Brock totally got a rope break that wasn't acknowledged. Title retained. After the match, Vince tried to attack Kurt with a chair only to get hit with an angle slam on an open chair.
TO THE BACK. Goldberg gets warmed up with his iPod.
Rob Van Dam vs Kane No Holds Barred
"He's acting like the byproduct of an inbred, mongrel dog." What a call. I love the idea that after all these years, they took the mask off of Kane and revealed that...he actually was never burned at all, but the EMOTIONAL burns that made him think his face was horribly scarred. The weirdest part about him was that he shaves half of his head all the way, and the other half with no guard. This is one of those matches were the #DunnDeal camera angles are a blessing, as it seems like everything they did must have looked like shit to the live audience, but cuts made things look half decent. Also lol at Kane, in the biggest monster push of his career since 1998, having so much trouble with a guy one foot and one hundred pounds smaller. In a no holds barred match. RVD missed the Van Terminator, then got hit with a tombstone on the steps. Kane wins.
TO THE BACK. Terri tries to talk to Eric Bischoff in the trainer's room. Bischoff's whole face is now cut up and bloody, despite there being no blood in his match. It just looks like they rubbed jelly on his face. Bischoff yells at her, so she leaves. And then LINDA MCMAHON strolls in. She slaps him. Elsewhere, HHH is looking at his title when Ric Flair gives him a pep talk.
Kevin Nash vs Chris Jericho vs Triple H vs Shawn Micheals vs Goldberg vs Randy Orton Elimination Chamber World Heavyweight Championship
The quaint days of the second ever EC match. LOOOOOOOOOOOOL that they edited out Goldberg slipping during his entrance. It's super well known, so the idea that they cut it out for the Network a decade+ later is lol has heck. I wanted to make a HQ gif of it, but c'est la vie. Jericho and HBK start out. Getting the twerk rate out of the way. Orton is the first to enter from a pod. Lol at Flair yelling from the floor. "WAKE UP, HEBNER, WAKE UP!" This was in an era where Jericho hitting a pre-Owen-style enzuigiri was still treated as brand new. Despite being a common move since the 1970s. Man, I'd say fuck this match if I had to work it. Fuck bumping on zero give steel grating like you're walking around Cincinnati. The next man into the match is Kevin Nash. Complete with his new hair cut allegedly from Chris Jericho, but actually for his role in The Punisher. Jericho is the first to be busted open. Nash has no issues going after HBK. Lmao, Jericho pinned Nash after a HBK superkick before the next entrant even made it in. It wasn't even a good superkick, either. Lol. HHH is the next guy in, but he's immediately superkicked by HBK. Nash powerbombs Jericho before leaving. He also powerbombs Orton. Goldberg finally enters the match and destroys Orton, Jericho, and HBK. He quickly eliminates Orton, then spears Jericho through a chamber. Then he pins HBK with the jackhammer. Spear and jackhammer to Jericho. Now it's down to Goldberg an fat, injured HHH. Lmaooooooooooooooooooo Flair is trying to hold the pod shut, flipping off Goldberg and hip thrusting at him. So Goldberg just kicks through the pod to get to HHH. Man, Goldberg is SUCH a bad ass in this. Especially when they edited out him slipping in his entrance. HHH is bleeding immediately after Goldberg gets his hands on him. Goldberg goes for the spear, but HHH magically had the sledgehammer and drilled Goldberg upon impact. Then pinned him. Title retained. Lol. I remember people being so furious when this happened, but it's pretty lol now. It's a hilarious ending, more hilarious that HHH was injured and did basically nothing in the match. Post match saw a proto-Evolution beat down on Goldberg. Literally smashing a dude in the head with a fucking sledgehammer. Lmao. Wrestling, y'all. In wrestling a dude hitting a dude in the HEAD with a SLEDGEHAMMER just gets some color. Not, you know, a smashed skull.
Another good, enjoyable Summerslam, although nothing really stands out as a particularly great or classic match. EC was awesome for Goldberg's rampage, Kurt/Brock was disappointing again. I would have cut the Dudleys/Frenchies match and added something with the cruiserweights.