WWE Summerslam 2014

The show opens with WWE Hall of Famer HULK HOGAN promoting the WWE Network. Only $9.99! Lmao. I forgot all about that period where they turned $9.99 into a company wide catchphrase. 

The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler WWE Intercontinental Championship

This was match 700 in their 1000 match series. After Ziggler taking the the Hart sternum bump in the corner, Miz dominates and focuses on the head/neck/shoulder area from that point on. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag OUTTA NOWHERE to get the win. New champion.

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TO THE TOM. Tom speaks with Brie Bella, who had assault charged pressed on her by Stephanie McMahon on Monday. Her promo implies that she was in jail all week. She slapped someone. She's been on TV for years. Surely she could have paid the very likely small bail.

Paige vs AJ Lee WWE Divas Championship

Hard pass on this. Biting, slapping, and hair pulling to start the match. Literally ripped Paige's extensions out. Multiple weird sexual tension spots. WOMEN'S WRESTLING (rhythmic claps). Paige counters the Black Widow into the Rampaige DDT for the win. New champion.

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Rusev vs Jack Swagger

All of this aggressive flag waving. Before the match, Rusev attacks while Swagger is waving the American flag. Swagger then puts Rusev in the ankle lock. Then the match starts. For the whole match, Rusev never fully puts weight on his ankle and is constantly selling it no matter what he's doing. Meanwhile, Swagger has taped up ribs, so there's a good story and each guy's injuries playing into everything they do. Rusev actually does the Accolade on ONE LEG because he can't put weight on the ankle. Great, great selling from both guys in this, and the crowd is very into it. Rusev eventually gets the Accolade back on, literally crying from the pain. A very fun undercard match.

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Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose Lumberjack Match

I think the world has forgotten that Seth Rollins put on about 20 pounds of muscle after blowing out his knee. Totes normal for a guy in his 30s who had been weightlifting since he was in his teens to put on 20 pounds of muscle in 6 months. The world also seems to forget that Dean Ambrose always had terrible hair. Also also, lol at RVD being a random lumberjack.  For what is supposed to be this super bitter blood feud, this feels like a normal ass match. They're more aggressive with the lumberjacks than each other. In fact, Dean is out here going out of his way to dive on the lumberjacks. Seth was in the crowd, and Dean is diving on lumberjacks. Somehow the LUMBERJACK stipulation means nothing, as Dean and Seth end up brawling all over the arena, high up into the stands. Korporate Kane came out to tell the lumberjacks to do their fucking jobs. They do drag the guys back to the ring, at least. Maybe if they didn't fucking suck at life they'd be actually booked on the card, and they would have prevented the actually booked guys from brawling into the crowd. Dean hits Seth with a curb stomp and made the pin, only for KANE to break it up. Goldust, as the senior vet on the roster, jumps in the ring and gets all up in his ass. Then all the lumberjacks jumped the ring and started fighting...each other. The fuck? None of these shitheads deserved to get booked. Don't even know how to be lumberjacks. Seth hit Dean with the MITB briefcase to steal the win. 

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Chris Jericho vs Bray Wyatt

Wow. No thanks. Get Jericho the heck out of here. Bray won with Sister Abigail. 

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Stephanie McMahon vs Brie Bella

Steph comes out looking JACKED in her totally BDSM gear, throwing up the four fingers to the Four Horsewomen of MMA. Those triceps are no joke. I love the idea that, somehow, Stephanie McMahon ended up being a boss battle. Against all odds, she's this force that even trying to compete against is a nearly impossible battle. Even though she hadn't had an actual match in a decade. Which was against her father. And she was a joke wrestler the few times she wrestled before that. Steph out here doing a best of 80s WWF moveset, Brie trying to work like Danielle Bryan. And it's much better than you'd ever expect. As Brie was gaining momentum, HHH came out. He pulled the ref out of the ring during the Yes Lock. Brie hit him with a baseball slide. Then, as Steph was trapped between two Bellas, Nikki SWERVES THE WORLD and blasts Brie with an elbow of death. Steph picks up the dead Brie to hit the pedigree for the win.

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TO THE MAMA'S BOY. Jake Tucker won a contest through Totino's to get trained by Hugh Morrus, the New Age Outlaws, and Michael Cole. His gimmick was coming out of a giant microwave with man sized pizza rolls. The segment was set to the tune of a remix of Hurricane's theme. It was so stupid and such a waste of time and for some reason it was in the middle of the PPV.

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Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton

Roman's first singles match on PPV. For all that talk about no one ever liked Roman, it seems like people liked him. Too bad Orton is in full chinlock mode, so as soon as anything starts getting interesting, get excited for 2 minutes of chin locks. Roman is still a bit shaky and doesn't have the confidence of knowing he's the BIG DAWG, but he's still good. Oh shit, former WCW Champion David Arquette is in the front row! Some neat reversal sequences in this. After kicking out of the RKO OUTTA NOWHERE, Roman dodged the punt and hit the spear for the win to a huge pop.

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John Cena vs Brock Lesnar WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Cena starts the match immediately bum rushing Brock, only to get taken down, punches a bunch, and hit with an F5. Brock then goes on to hit SIXTEEN German suplexes. And these are not nice flat bumps, either. At one point, Cena gets a flurry of offense and hits the FU. Brock kicks out and SITS UP LIKE THE UNDERTAKER WHILE LAUGHING. Lmao. Brock finished it off with the F5 in what was an extended, dominating, brutal squash against the biggest star of the previous decade. 

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Pretty solid show. Nothing blow away great, nothing blow away bad, but a lot of solid work and something cool and memorable in every match. Brock's destruction of John Cena is forever going to be pretty nuts. Just reckless abandon with those suplexes. I'm trying to think of a time when a guy at Cena's level got so utterly annihilated, to the point where his opponent was sitting up and laughing after getting hit with a finisher. Brie/Steph could have actually stolen the show. All the nerds that were wringing their hands over how terrible Steph and the Bellas were were proven wrong, as usual.