WWF Royal Rumble 2002
The last WWF Rumble. A lot of things have happened since 2001. WCW and ECW died. Vince bought both of them. WCW invaded (with a bunch of mid carders, plus DDP and Booker T) and teamed up with ECW to form The Alliance, which would spend most of the Summer and Fall trying to put the WWF out of business. The Alliance (and WCW) died forever at Survivor Series 2001. The next night, Ric Flair returned to the WWF and is now half owner with Vince McMahon. The WWF and WCW Championships were combined into the Undisputed Championship, which was won by Chris Jericho. Undertaker cut his hair and is a real dick head.
Dudley Boyz vs Tazz/Spike Dudley WWF Tag Team Championships
Fuck, Stacy is amazing. Such a beautiful woman. Tazz's push was completely undercut by the Radicalz jumping a week after his debut. Why would you push Tazz when you have Chris Benoit, who is bigger, in better shape, a better wrestler, and much more versatile? Dude had no chance once those guys came in. Match starts with Spike getting his ass kicked. He was wearing a neck brace at the start. Spike hit the Acid Drop on Bubba as a transition to make a hot tag. Too bad Tazz is FAT and couldn't reach the tag with his short FAT arms. Huge double Flapjack Norton. Tazz gets the hot tag and does a whole lot of Tazplexes. Jack Doan is bigger than Tazz. Is Tazz shorter than Dean Malenko? Another Acid Drop. Tazz put Stacy in the Tazmission. He then put it on D-Von and won. Titles retained. Of all the holds you could put Stacy in, you do a judo choke?
Edge vs William Regal WWF Intercontinental Championship
Before the match, Edge basically insinuated he was going to bash Regal's head in with a chair. So weird that Regal is probably in the best shape of his life. He has defined abs and no flab at all to him. Even in 1993, he was a cardio machine, but still had chub and flab on him. Nick Patrick checks around ringside for hidden brass knuckles before the match. He found them in Regal's trunks. Edge decides he's going to work over Regal's nose for the match. Regal hits the Knee Trembler and a half nelson suplex. Edge blocks a tiger bomb, but Regal holds on, rolls through, and nails the move anyway. Edge's big attempt to get back into the match was an apron DDT. Head on collision. Another half nelson suplex, which Edge no sells to do a fighting spirit lariatoooooo. It's like Davey Richards took this match as inspiration or something. Regal Stretch. Edge made it to the ropes. He does a really shit version of his own. Top rope spin wheel kick. Regal had a second pair of brass knuckles in his trunks. He pulls Nick Patrick in the way of a spear. Power of the Punch! New champion! Cole caught up with Regal after the match. You just can't compete with the Power of the Punch.
Jazz vs Trish Stratus WWF Women's Championship
Special Guest Referee: Jacqueline
What is it with Canadians and pastels? Can they just not find black or white up there? Trish won with a bulldog after Jazz easily kicked out of Stratusfaction. It was a very boring and short match that saw Jazz working over Trish's arm/hand for the entire match.
EARLIER TONIGHT. Ric Flair, his daughter, and son Reid made it to the arena.
Vince McMahon vs Ric Flair
This is Ric's first match since the final Nitro in March of 2001. Appropriately enough, this is in Atlanta, the former headquarters of WCW. Vince is even bigger than he was in 1999. LOOK AT THE STRIATIONS! LOOK AT THE MUSCULATURE! LOOK AT THE POOOOOOWER! Vince shoves Ric away and shows those striations. Vince just has too much musculature for Ric. Vince dominates until he decides to chop Flair, which pisses Ric off. He does some chops that make Vince's feet tap, but Vince comes right back with an eye rake. Flair botches the Flair Flip, which isn't that big of a deal since he was doing that as early as the 1988. Flair is hit with a KEEP OFF sign and somehow didn't blade from it. I spoke too soon. Vince beats Flair all around the ringside area and in front of his family. He takes a selfie with Ric's daughter's camera. He even puts Ric in the figure four. Vince gets his pipe out. Not his dick, but an actual pipe. Ric low blows him before he can use it. WHATAMANUVER! Ric whacks Vince in the head with a monitor. Vince is now bleeding everywhere and Ric's daughter gets some more close up shots. Ric cracks the pipe over Vince's head and puts him in the figure four. Vince gives up. Ric wins! I'm sure that Vince had a literal and ego boner over getting to knock the shit out of Ric Flair in Atlanta for 10 minutes.
TO THE COLE. Michael asks Nick Patrick about Regal having a second pair of brass knuckles. Before he can get an answer, Stephanie takes over the interview to say HHH is going to win the Rumble. As she shit talks Austin and Debra, Stone Cold walks up behind her. WHAT? What chants were in PEAK form. Jesus.
The Rock vs Chris Jericho WWF Undisputed Championship
Jericho and Rock had a great feud over the WCW/World Championship during the Invasion angle. Jericho beat Rock and Austin on the same night to win the Undisputed Championship. Jericho does a lot of shit talking and runs away from Rock. He ends up running into the ring post. Didn't matter, as he was in control moments later. Rest holds! My favorite. Superplex from Rock. He also hits a belly to belly, but Jericho is right back with a bulldog and 2 Lionsaults. Rock kicks out! To the surprise of no one. Sharpshooter! The kind that looks like Rock is taking a violent shit. Christian and Lance Storm get involved. Jericho hits a Rock Bottom. Rock always took his move the best. Jericho goes for the People's Elbow. Rock nips up and sends Jericho's happy ass to the floor. Rock Bottom from one announce table to another! After they get back to the ring, Jericho kicks out. Walls of Jericho! We get a ref bump and Jericho hits Rock with the WWF Championship. Nick Patrick slides in the ring. 2 count! Rock pops up with a DDT. Patrick won't count the pin. Rock Bottom! Fuck yo WCW. People's Elbow to Jericho. Of course, there is no ref since two have been bumped. Jericho low blows Rock and rams him into an exposed turnbuckle. School boy with the feet on the ropes. Earl magically comes to life. Jericho wins! Title retained.
TO WWF NEW YORK. HBK is there, with his cowboy hat and Texas state flag button down. He says nothing about the title match, but marked out over Vince/Flair. He then dropped some George W. Bush quote (fuck, doesn't that seem like a completely different world?) before predicting either Austin or Taker to win the Rumble.
Rikishi drew number 1. Goldust drew number 2. He was making his return to the WWF after some time in WCW and indies. Also "returning" were Val Venis and The Godfather, who never left, but were just returning to their old gimmicks. The only real returning guy was Mr. Perfect. The Big Boss Man drew 3. Bradshaw comes in with bad intentions in his eyes. Jealous eyes, if you will. LUSTFUL eyes, perhaps. Stink face to Boss Man. Right in his mouth. Asshole to the mouth. And he's eliminated due to the mouthful of asshole he just got. Lance Storm hits the ring. I think it is always a bad idea when announcers bring up and point out the lack of charisma in guys. Oh my, it's Avatar! Billy! That hair was ridiculous. Lance and Al fight on the apron, with a superkick eliminating Lonce. Billy dumps out Bradshaw. Oh fuck, It's DA UNDATAKER! He eliminates everyone left in the ring. A returning Matt Hardy is the next man in. The last time we saw the Hardys, they were fighting each other and Taker beat the shit out of both of them. Lita also joined the action and she and Matt double team Taker. The next man in is Jeff Hardy. A triple team on Taker! The bros have reunited. Jeff gets dumped out. Last Ride to Matt and he's also gone. MAVEN! Poor guy. He runs in and is booted in the face. The Hardys come back in and fight with Taker, which allows Maven to dropkick and eliminate him. MAVEN ELIMINATES THE UNDERTAKER! Maven then realizes what he's done. Taker gets back in the ring, throws Maven out of the ring (through the ropes), and continues to beat him. Disgusting chair shot. Scotty 2 Hotty is next in and gets decked before he even makes it to the ring. Maven is thrown back in and over the ropes officially. Christian is 13th in and has the place to himself as Taker is beating up Maven in the stands. Maven is thrown through a popcorn stand. Taker then took a handful of popcorn for a post match snack. Scotty makes it to the ring finally. DDP! Look at those teeth. Kanyon Cutter on Christian. BANG! He tosses Scotty out. Chuck! He's the 15th man in, which means we are half way through the match.
The Godfather makes his return with a massive ho train. But he's gone legit, so they are escorts. DDP was eliminated during Godfather's long entrance. By the time he got in the ring, it was time for someone else to come in, which was Albert. He's quickly eliminated. Godfather is also out. Saturn is in with cow print trunks and new tats. Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold WHAT!? He eliminates the Blue Dot and stuns Saturn before eliminating him and Chuck. He actually eliminated Christian and Chuck twice just for fun. Val Venis is...coming to the ring. Austin wasn't impressed. Test! He has immunity from winning a battle royal at Survivor Series 2001. He can't be fired for anything until SS 2002. I would have sat at home and collected money to not wrestle. Val and Test are gone. Triple H! It's burying time! He had just returned from his quad injury. And after that injury, Austin buried Hunner for being a pussy and getting hurt. HHH's entrance takes a while, so we didn't get much singles action before The Hurricane entered the match. He tried a double chokeslam. It didn't work and he was eliminated. Faarooq hits the ring. He didn't last long either. DAMN. MR. PERFECT! Maybe he and HHH can finally have that match from 1996 that never happened. Did it ever happen in 2002? Kirk Angel! Heavy hitters in here now. Big Shoe is in. Another double chokeslam is blocked. You'd think Austin and HHH were tag team partners or something. IT'S GOTTA BE KANE! Back before he had that weird gut, a hump back, and a bizarre hair line. He slams Show over the ropes, then is Angle Slammed out. RVD! He goes on a roll only to get killed with a Pedigree. Lol. Seems fitting. Booker T is the final entrant and has the shortest amount of time in the Rumble. He eliminates RVD, who had been completely motionless from the Pedigree a minute and a half ago. Then he was eliminated. Angle, HHH, Austin, and Perfect are the final 4. Angle dumps Austin while he's trying to get Perfect out. Austin gets back in with a chair, which at least makes a little more sense for his character than Hulk Hogan in 1989. Perfect Plex to Angle! Too bad HHH eliminated Perfect seconds later. Hunner wins! Hunner wins! Hunner Haitch is going to WrestleMania!
DQ Count: 0 out of 6 matches.
I liked this Rumble much more than 2001, even with HHH's win not at all being in doubt. Vince/Flair was a blast.