WWE Great American Bash 2004
The show starts with Torrie Wilson dressed as Uncle Slam and welcoming us to the GAB.
After 3 years of shitting on the legacy of WCW as much as possible, WWE decided to bring back one of its longest running eventss. In addition, the main event is a handicap match featuring the Undertaker vs the Dudleys in a Concrete Crypt match. Now, the stipulation for that match is that if Taker lost, Paul Bearer would be entombed in concrete. Also, Bradshaw is facing Eddie Guerrero in a bull rope match for the WWE Championship. If you're wondering why Bradshaw is in a title match, it's because he randomly turned into the Million Dollar Man, but more racist. Which is amazing since Ted DiBiase had an actual slave with him.
John Cena vs Booker T. vs RVD vs Rene Dupree WWE US Championship
Cena was the champ heading into this and was getting pretty over. He was also still black and was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. Before the match, he made jerk off and gay jokes. Then an explicit reference to RVD rolling blunts. Booker likes transvestites. Then a GI Bro reference. When it comes to Rene, he mentions the Navy were in the building and Rene gets over excited around the seamen. He's saying Rene likes jizz. RVD and Cena get into a showdown early on. The heels attack. RVD and Booker head to the floor. This means we get some great solo action from John Cena and Rene Dupree. Booker is just going to hang out on the floor I guess. I don't understand the rules of this match. Cena and Book are both just hanging out on the floor and watching. Rene is tossed out and no one gets in the ring with RVD. Instead, he dives out. RVD gets tired of Booker not working for his pay and throws him in the ring with Cena. I've never seen a four way that has two guys on the floor the whole match. Booker spinebuster to Rene. Frog splash on Rene. Cena climbed up like he was going to do something. RVD kicks him to the floor and then does a frog splash to Booker, who has been selling his own spinebuster for about a minute. Cena runs back in and rolls RVD up, eliminating him despite RVD having just done 3 offensive moves to all of his opponents. Booker and Rene fight over pins, even though this is an elimination match and it doesn't matter who pins Cena. FU to Rene. Booker hits an ax kick on Cena and then pins Rene. Booker and Cena proceed to have a very boring match where Booker is going in slow motion and looks like he doesn't even want to be there. Cena wins with an FU that he didn't even leave his feet for. Title retained. No idea how Cena got so over. His promos were all gay and dick (and gay dick) jokes and his ring work was definitely not very good in 2004. He would become good and very good at times, but he definitely wasn't anywhere near that in 2004 or 2005. The booking for this was pretty stupid.
TO THE BACK. Cena walks to the back. Charlie Haas tells him good job. Then Jackie Gayda tells him good job, so he hits on her right in front of Charlie, who does nothing at all, even though he was previously hitting on her. The two were a couple on screen at this point and he didn't even react to Cena straight up talking about his dick to her. It's like John Morrison shit. Kurt Angle wheels in and calls Charlie out for being bros with Cena. Kurt is disappointed in Charlie and books him in a match with Luther Reigns. Elsewhere, Sable is in a hot tub and talks about interviewing...herself.
Luther Reigns vs Charlie Haas
Luther was a Power Plant graduate who wrestled on Saturday Night as Horshu, because his hair cut resembled a horse shoe. He made at least one appearance on Nitro, getting choked out by Roddy Piper in about 30 seconds. No word on if he's related to Roman. Kurt's wheelchair actually has the French flag instead of US flag on the back. This is a Smackdown squash on PPV. Luther wins with his finish, which is a variation of the Cross Rhodes/Test Drive/Roll of the Dice.
TO THE BACK. JBL talks about how he defeated Eddie last month (by DQ), and that he will walk out with the title tonight.
Chavo Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Chavo won a battle royal for his title shot, because who wants to write a storyline for the Cruiserweight Championship? The match starts with a series of roll ups from Rey. Chavo does a few of his own. Arm drags! Rey grounds the match and starts doing arm work. Everyone wants to see Rey having a grappling match. Rey finally goes up top and is drop kicked to the floor. He banged his knee on the way down and Chavo goes after it. Rey somehow turns a half crab into a bulldog. Long time with Chavo working the leg. Rey is still able to do ranas and bouncing off ropes, but he can't get much momentum. He was able to do a top rope standing senton to the floor, though. Chavo attempts a superplex to the floor. Rey blocks it and goes for a standing top rope rana. Instead, both men fell to the ring with a double face buster thing. Rey's selling is really bothering me. He's limping around, but has zero problems doing springboards and moonsaults and head scissors. He can run at full speed just fine, but then sells his leg like he can't walk. I hate it. Gory Bomb. 2 count. Half way through running to do a 619, Rey completely stops selling and still does another springboard rana. Chavo counters into a half crab. Rey eventually gets to the ropes. Rey wins with a Code Red. Goldust does it better. I really didn't like this because Rey going from not being able to walk to being able to run full speed and springboard off the ropes for the entire match drove me crazy.
TO THE BACK. Torrie is in the hot tub with Funaki, Kidman, and Spike Dudley. Kidman is the Ray Romano of wrestling. They argue until Torrie stands up to make them shut up.
Kenzo Suzuki vs Billy Gunn
Kenzo was originally supposed to have a gimmick of Hirohito, a Japanese patriot who hated America. I believe there were even earlier plans that had him as the embodiment of dead Japanese soldiers seeking revenge or some Godzilla shit like that. This was around the same time as Heidenreich was to debut as a full on neo Nazi, but instead showed up as a crazy dude who recited angry poetry and raped Michael Cole. 2004-2006 was a weird time. This is a rematch from Smackdown, where Kenzo's wife, a Geisha girl (of course), threw salt in the eyes of Billy and the ref. They have a pretty bad match, mostly because Kazuki is awful at everything. I guess the only thing of note was a Shining Wizard that looked like it completely missed. Kaz won with a kidney punch and reverse DDT back breaker.
TO THE BACK. Paul Heyman taunts a shackled Paul Bearer. Everyone thinks Heyman is bluffing. He's literally going to murder Paul Bearer tonight if Taker doesn't do the right thing.
Sable vs Torrie
Taz tries to say "pussycat" as often as possible. They have an actual match that is better than the last two matches. Sable won after faking an injury and doing a roll up. Torrie's shoulder most definitely was not on the mat. What's really weird was that this was a straight match with no pervy camera shots or sexy spots, yet all the women on this show backstage were in bikinis and hot tubs.
TO THE BACK. Undertaker is, I think, in a boiler room. Elsewhere, Dawn Marie talks to Rene Dupreee in front of a hot tub. He offers to show her his French tickler. Nunzio and Johnny The Bull show up. Nunzio offers to show Dawn his 15 inches....you see, Nunzio has abnormally huge feet for a guy his size. It takes Dawn a while to figure out that big feet and donger length may be related. She walks off with him and JTB says Rene probably wears a size 6 shoe. YOU GOT A SMALL DICK, FRENCHIE!
Mordecai vs Hardcore Holly
Holy shit, another Smackdown rematch. God damn. Mordecai is the future Kevin Thorn and was originally intended to be like a nega-Undertaker, being the same type of character, but in all white. Dude was ass in the ring and never got anywhere near Taker. Bob ties Thorn up in the ropes and knocks the fuck out of him. Mordecai does the worst I've ever seen at running to the ropes and bailing. Sub-Kelly Kelly shit here. Fuck, he can't even throw a forearm to the back without looking like a WWWF jobber from 1976. Chin lock spot for what feels like 3 hours. This dude is terrible. This show might be worse than December to Dismember. I honestly think Sable vs Torrie has been the best match so far. Better than a 20 minute Chavo/Rey match. Morty wins with a Razor's Edge, but this dude is fucking awful. One of the worst WWE dudes this side of Khali and Giant Gonzalez.
JBL vs Eddie Guerrero WWE Championship
Bull Rope Match
They faced off at the prior Smackdown PPV in a match that might have been the bloodiest in WWE history and probably had the hardest chair shot ever. Eddie legitimately went into shock after the show from blood loss. He was legit shook. They followed it up with Eddie doing comedy angles of pretending to be JBL's limo driver and driving it into a bunch of stuff while JBL was stuck in the back. Eddie starts with a dropkick to the knee and starts choking JBL with the rope. Eddie also came unhooked in the first 35 seconds or so. JBL hits him in the knee with a cow bell and boots him before doing his strike combo in the corner. JBL has touched two corners. This was the first WWE version to have lights on the corners because fans are stupid and can't keep track. Tree of Keanu with the rope being used to choke, Scott Steiner style. They head out to the announce tables. JBL attempts a powerbomb from one to the other. Eddie gets out and trips JBL. JBL is posted twice. Eddie gets revenge for the chair shot last time. Wasn't near the chair shot JBL did. He hits another one in the ring. JBL is busted open. Eddie hits 3 corners, but JBL holds on to the ring ropes before he can reach the 4th. He gets to 3 again. JBL hits a big boot and DDT. They both go back and forth with corners and now the lights aren't working. Frog splash! JBL rolls out of the ring. Eddie tries to pull him back over the top rope. As he's standing on the ropes, JBL wraps the rope around his neck and throws Eddie from the second rope to the announce table. It didn't break at all, JBL powerbombed him through it shortly after. Both men have 3 corners touched. These are weird rules where you can touch corners and then do spots for 5 minutes and the corners will still be lit up. Sometimes. Sometimes they reset. Sometimes they don't even light up. Eddie hits the last corner by doing a Stinger Splash onto JBL. GM Kurt Angle rolls out and reverses the decision because JBL actually touched the corner before Eddie via the impact of the Stinger Splash. New champion! Title change on a Dusty Finish! Fans were not at all happy about it. They did chant for Eddie as he walked out.
The Dudley Boys vs The Undertaker
Casket Crypt Match
The story, I think, is that Paul wants Undertaker to wrestle for him. He tried to force this by stealing the urn and Paul Bearer. So now Taker either has to chose to join Heyman or kill Paul Bearer. Fuck if I know. I'm not really worried about looking it all up, either. Before the match, Paul starts to fill the crypt with cement. Taker is given one last chance to do the right thing and lay down. Taker does it, but Bubba shit talks just a little too much and the match is on. This is awful. It's not even a match. It's an angle. Every time Taker goes on offense, it stops so Heyman can get more concrete in the crypt. Bubba stops the concrete because he feels they can beat Taker on their own first. They proceed to dominate Taker for the next 10 minutes. Taker wins with a tombstone OUTTA NOWHERE. Paul attempts to finish filling the crypt when a god damn LIGHTNING BOLT strikes and prevents him from going near the cement truck. Taker then stalks Heyman to a silent crowd. He then says he has no other choice and pulls the lever, killing Paul Bearer. What the fuck? At some point, Paul Bearer was switched out with a stunt double. It might have actually been a double the whole time and shots of Paul were actually pre-taped. Whatever it was, it was fucking terrible. You'll never hear a crowd so silent as a PPV is going off.
DQ Count: This whole show is a disqualification.
You know, I think this is worse than December to Dismember. For real. JBL/Eddie was decent, but hampered by the dumb gimmick and Dusty Finish. Chavo/Rey I didn't like because of Rey's wonky selling, though some people I'm sure wouldn't have much of a problem with it. The main event was one big, TERRIBLE angle.
The whole point was Heyman wanted Taker to work for him, so he was using Paul Bearer as bait. Taker doesn't take the bait, beats the Dudleys, and straight up MURDERS Paul Bearer instead of trying to help him in any way. Besides JBL/Eddie, I honestly think Sable vs Torrie was the best match of the night and it was about the same quality as any other terrible Divas era match.