WWE Great American Bash 2005

The second year of WWE's revival of a WCW classic. Fittingly, the 2004 version was probably the single worst PPV of 2004 and possibly in WWE history. We'll see if they can top it this year. This is the 20th anniversary of the GAB!

MNM vs Road Warrior Animal/Heidenreich WWE Tag Team Championships

Heidenreich went from neo Nazi to psycho rapist/poet to replacement Hawk over the course of a year. Reich and Mercury start out. This was before Heidenreich would actually get his own face paint and become an official member of LOD. Animal is FAT. Taz won't stop talking about the "presence" of Hawk. I'm sure Hawk would not be too happy that this jobber is taking his spot. MNM go to work on Big Johnny's leg. JoMo's hair is awful. Somehow, Mercury's might be worse. Hot tag to Animal. Much like last year's show that featured half the card being rematches from the go home Smackdown, this is also a rematch from Smackdown. It's only the second time LOD2005 have teamed up. They won with the Doomsday Device. That's offensive to Hawk's memory. New champions! Very short. Not even 7 minutes. Of the 7 minutes, Heidenreich was in for probably 5.


TO THE BACK. Josh Matthews (who has gotten really fat in the the last 8 years) talks with Eddie Guerrero about his upcoming match with Rey Mysterio. Rey has a secret and if Eddie wins, it will be revealed. Eddie's new addiction is manipulation. Rey's son, Dominic, will now get to watch the match at a ringside tonight.

Booker T. vs Christian

These dudes had a super boring feud on Raw in the early days of the brand split. Christian spends a lot of time stalling in the opening moments until Booker comes out and punches him right in the blue dot. Book continues to knock the shit out of that ugly fuck until Christian is able to use the ref to get a cheap shot in and then throwing Booker into the ring post. Tornado reverse DDT. Christian locks on an Anaconda Vice. Interesting. Booker gets out and shortly after crotches himself on the rope doing a Harlem side kick. Christian goes after Sharmell, who slaps him. Booker recovers and nails the Book End. 2 count. Christian rolls through Booker's corner roll up, Big spinewalkslambuster. Flapjack Norton. Spinarooni! Ax kick is dodged. Unprettier is thrown off. Missile dropkick. Christian kicks out and sends Book to the floor. Too bad for him since Christian is the one to get thrown into the ring post and steps. Booker wins with a second rope ax kick.


TO THE BACK. Some dude I don't remember at all talks to Melina, who says MNM will get the titles back soon. She'd never let ANYONE see her in her bra and panties. She has a bra and panties match with Torrie later, you see. She also has an entrance where she basically wears a bra and panties and comes as close to showing you her vagina  as you could possibly get away with on television.

Orlando Jordan vs Chris Benoit WWE US Championship

Orlando was part of JBL's cabinet and had yet to do weird things like simulate dudes jizzing on him while dressed in police tape. Thankfully, Benoit gets to revisit his racism. Lots of chops. OJ starts some arm work. Benoit does a dragon screw leg whip which is actually a foot whip. OJ bails and it goes to the floor. Benoit is posted. Back in the ring, Benoit hits his first Reich suplex, but OJ is back on offense seconds later. He goes back to the arm work. Benoit gets back with some chops, just to get right back in arm bars. OJ goes up top for no good reason. He's superplexed. Rolling Reichs! Iron Eagle! Heads collide in the corner. Benoit goes headfirst into it. OJ wins! Title retained. Benoit got a standing ovation after the match. I don't know why. The match was as bland as possible. "He's nowhere near done." Oh.


The Undertaker vs Muhammad Hassan

#1 Contender Match

Hassan started out interesting as an Arab man in a post 9/11 world who was just a normal man trying to come to terms with how his people were being treated. Then he went full on evil Arab. Then he jumped to Smackdown and became a full on terrorist. He led a group of masked men in fatigues to carry out an attack of garroting Undertaker, praying in the ring, then carrying out Daivari like a dead soldier. It just so happened that this event was taped a few days in advance of the 7/7 attacks in London. There wasn't enough time to edit the tape and it aired in full in most of the world the same day. It pissed a lot of people off and UPN refused to have the character on TV anymore. He came to the ring carried on a magic carpet by his terrorists. He said that if he didn't defeat Taker, he'd never appear on Smackdown again. After all the very negative media press over the terrorist angle, they still had him come out with his group of guys in camo fatigues and balaklavas.

Hassan actually takes it to Taker early on. Then he takes a second to shit talk and gets his ass kicked. Big boot right in the nose. Old School. The ref tells Taker to stop choking. He shoots the ref a look and the ref dives out of the ring. The "sympathizers" use this time to attack. Big DDT from Hassan. Taker does a punch that might have legit knocked Hassan loopy. One of the terrorists gets the piano wire out to choke Taker. Cole points out that Taker's eyes are rolling into the back of his head like that means something. Undertaker has been doing that for 15 years, idiot. Camel clutch. Taker sells it like he's tripping balls. Taker stands up and does an electric chair. Lol, Taker wins with the chokeslam. The terrorists attack. Taker beats the shit out of all of them. One dude got chokeslammed on the floor. Daivari is about to get chokeslammed when one of the terrorist starts choking Taker. He gets a boot and tombstone. Daivari gets thrown head first through the bottom of the pre-cut announce table that still doesn't break right. Taker follows Hassan to the stage. Chokeslam. He removes a second layer of grating from the stage. Last Ride into the hole! Why we still got a war on terrorism when we have The Undertaker? Dude just took out a terrorist leader, his second in command, and the whole terror cell single-handedly. American Bad Ass indeed. This is the last time Hassan was ever on WWE TV and I think wrestling in general ever again. Also, dude was Italian, not Arabic.


TO THE BACK. This dude I don't remember talks with Torrie. She's going to give the troops something to remember.

EMTs attend to the very likely dead Hassan.

Mexicools vs BWO

Fucking LOL, they have the Mexicools ride their tractors out WHILE Hassan's dead body is being attended to under the stage. Super Crazy gives the Spanish announcers a rake. Juvi and Hypno are still ugly fucks. The BWO came out on big wheels. Nova and Juvi start out. I still can't believe that WWE hired Juvi years after WCW was dead and after it was clear he was fucking insane. Super Crazy dropkicks Nova's face off. Juvi might have blown his knee out missing a cross body. Hypno pins Stevie with the guillotine leg drop in a completely unremarkable match.


TO THE BACK. Rey and Dominic Mysterio pray.

Rey Mysterio vs Eddie Guerrero

Eddie had one of the greatest heel turns ever when he decimated Rey after being frustrated over not being able to defeat him. He went super dark and was actually able to get heel heat despite being one of the most loved guys in wrestling. Rey's son, Dominic, is forced to sit at ringside. Eddie and Rey shake hands and hug to show him that things are okay. Rey SWERVES and attacks! He misses a springboard cross body. Wheelbarrow bulldog. Eddie goes up top and gets crotched. Super rana! Eddie kicks out. Eddie crotches Rey and then hilariously adjusts his own junk. BT Bomb is counter into a headscissors, then 619 and splash. Eddie kicks out. He bails and hugs Dominic, then uses him as a shield. It goes back in the ring and Eddie hits a series of backbreakers. Lots of shots of Dom. Wheelbarrow suplex. Eddie tries a series of pins and Rey keeps kicking out. He doesn't want his secret to be revealed. Eddie is choking and hitting Rey in the kidneys at the same time. Gory Stretch. Rey gets out, but is quickly tossed to the floor. Rey finally gets back into things with a dropkick to the knee and then a straight boot to the mouth. Counter DDT. 619. Eddie moves out of the way of a springboard guillotine. 3 Amigos, which is now a dick head heel move. Brainbustaaaaaa! Frog splash. Eddie does a cocky pin, which allows Rey to roll him up in a crucifix. Rey wins! His secret is safe!


TO THE BACK. Josh talks with JBL. JBL calls Josh a piss ant, shits on the Buffalo Bills, and compares himself to Teddy Roosevelt, MLK Jr., Abe Lincoln, and George W. Bush.

Torrie Wilson vs Melina

Bra and Panties Match

Special Guest Referee: Candice Michelle

Melina was mad she had to be in this match despite wearing the tiniest of skirts and thongs every week on TV. Her shirt comes off in a hurry. Torrie then takes a David Flair-esque bump out of the ring. Torrie's shirt is off. Torrie's pants are off. Melina wins. She attacks Candice after the match. Then her pants are stripped. Fake tits everywhere.

JBL vs Batista World Heavyweight Championship

Entrances take about 7 hours. Fuck. Even Batista's took forever. Batista keeps clearing his throat. Huge side slam. JBL comes back with just as huge of a shoulder block. It briefly heads to the floor. JBL does a rope stunner. He jumps off the apron and is caught, then thrown into the apron. Bateaster goes shoulder first into the ring post. A big boot sends Batista flying to the floor. They head over to the announce tables. A camera goes black for a few seconds. JBL does a superman punch from the table. Sleeper! The rest hold made the crowd take a rest. They were kind of into it and then just died with this sleeper. Batista gets out of it only to be thrown to the floor. Batista does a lariatoooo and they both head into the crowd. Ref bump. Spinebuster. OJ comes in and hits Batista with a chair in the back. Boot to the face. 2 count. Lariatooooooooooooooooo. He goes for another one which is countered into a spinebuster. OJ keeps getting involved. He brought a chair in to the ring. Dave hit both OJ and JBL with it and the ref saw it. Disqualification. JBL wins. Batista then tries to destroy the chair on both men. Batista Bombs.


DQ Count: 1 out of 8 matches.

It was much better than the previous year, but still not good. Nothing was outright bad, but Eddie/Rey was the only thing that was good and it wasn't anywhere near their best together. A DQ in the main event of a match that already bored the shit out of people was a terrible call.

Highlight of the show was going from a dead Hassan immediately into the Mexicools riding down the stage on their tractors. So, it's WWE canon that Undertaker murdered Paul Bearer at GAB 2004 (he got better) and murdered Muhammad Hassan at GAB 2005, yet he was never punished for his actions.