NJPW King Of Pro Wrestling 2017

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Roppongi 3K vs Funky Future IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championships

Boy, I don't need to see Rocky Romero involved in anything for the rest of my life. Plus, you know, Taguchi. I should probably skip this match, but it is a title match, after all. RPG3K starts the match by attacking before the champs can enter the ring and following it up with stereo dives. Taguchi is such trash. Jesus fucking Christ I hate him. Most of the match has Taguchi as FIP, with plenty of asshole based spots. 3K won with a goofy 3D with a Flatliner instead of cutter. New champs.

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Killer Elite Squad vs Guerillas of Destiny vs War Machine IWGP Tag Team Championships

Davey Boy Jr. is now coming to the ring like 1999 Bulldog. What the heck? A tornado tag that is apparently also a hardcore match or at least no DQ. So what you get is a meandering brawl that ends up being the 3rd longest match on the show. KES pinned the fat War Machine with a double powerbomb through a table. Titles retained. 

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Bullet Club vs Chaos

God, Cody Rhodes, Marty Scurll, and Yoshi Hashi in the same match. Disgusting. Tons of comedy spots, Kenny in his house show gear, and Trent getting so much shine. So much Cody vs Trent, aka Smackdown 2011. I hate it. Scurll makes Gedo tap out to a crossface chicken wing.

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Juice Robinson/Kota Ibushi vs Hiroshi Tanahashi/Togi Makabe

Tanahashi's beautiful hair is now so bad. So sad. Tanahashi and Ibushi start out. Actually, They pretty much have the same haircut now. Will Juice get another big win and title shot?  CAN JUICE DO IT?!?! It doesn't seem like it, as all the heat is  between Tanahashi and Ibushi, but Tanahashi is a dick to Juice for sure. Juice pins Makabe with Pulp Friction.

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KUSHIDA vs Will Ospreay IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship

Ospreay comes out dressed as Spiderman, which I guess is better than the Assassin's Creed entrance he did. Continuing his trend of getting online props for doing things Rey Mysterio did 20+ years earlier. I'm sure they're going to hit all the check list from the BOTSJ, but I don't care enough to look for that list again. God, why does Ospreay scream so much now? He sounds like a girl. It doesn't make him seem intense at all. Just weird. I mean...what are we doing here? Flying Space Tiger drops by a guy dressed like Spiderman countered into an arm bar. That's just silly. And how does Kushida follow that up? With a figure four, of course. Okay, great, they're athletic. Everyone can do everything these days. Impress me with the little things and good selling/story telling/drama, not how many rotations you can do on a senton. Ospreay is so athletic and can do anything, and then he does shit like a one armed cartwheel into flippy kick right after being in a figure four and then...sells his arm. Ospreay wins with his springboard cutter. In the finishing stretch, he botched two of the major moves, both of which were other cutter variations. I'm never going to be into this dude or his matches. Same for Kushida. They bore the shit out of me despite their athleticism. New champion. After the match, Takahashi came out to challenge him. But before he could, Marty Scurll came out and broke his fingers. Oh great, as if the junior division hasn't sucked enough for 15 years, it's now going to be anchored by these Brit fucks. 

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Tetsuya Naito vs Tomohiro Ishii

At stake is Naito's WK main event. This is their, I think, 9th match in the past 2 years, which is an awful lot considering the schedule of NJPW and how they run big singles matches. The crowd is solidly behind Naito. This is kind of like how MAN EDDIE VS BENOIT/MALENKO ON TV was really awesome the first few times. Then, after match 15, it doesn't matter how good it is anymore. Ishii's knee is Naito's main focus, and after a while, Ishii begins attacking Naito's leg as well. Lots of dickery, lots of counters. They have about an 8 minute finishing stretch that ends with Naito winning after multiple Destinos. Much like I said in their previous match, if you liked their other matches, you'd like this. 

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EVIL vs Kazuchika Okada IWGP Championship

Looooool at EVIL's entrance, doing the KOTR gimmick  but EVIL. Now, EVIL got his big win over Okada in the G1, but I don't think anyone alive thinks he's going to be the one to end Okada's reign that is two weeks away from breaking Hashimoto's record as the longest reigning IWGP  Champion. Nor did anyone really think Ishii was going to be headlining Wrestle Kingdom. So, your two headlining matches have high stakes, but very little drama. This is as by the numbers Okada match as you can get, complete with him continuing his 2017 trend to see how quickly he can end his career like Misawa. I swear that guy has no idea how to tuck his chin. Even basic flat back bumps has his head bouncing off the mat. A series of rainmakers ends the match. Title retained. This was probably Okada/Cody tier. After the match, Naito came out to talk some shit. The crowd again was fully behind Naito. 

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Pretty whatever show. Entirely skippable undercard, with Ishii/Naito being the best match on the card but also getting pretty long in the tooth, and a half speed Okada match where he still manages to bounce his head off the mat at least 15 times, and land on his head another 2-3 times. Hard to buy into near falls when we're looking at EVIL or Ishii headlining Wrestle Kingdom. 

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