WWE Wrestlemania 26
Why are there mother fuckers in PHOENIX wearing mink coats? At a fucking wrestling show?
R-Truth/John Morrison vs Show-Miz WWE Unified Tag Team Championships
Why the fuck does JOHNNY NITRO have so much pyro? Shit is absurd. What a random fucking match. Show does much of the work in this match for some reason. I'd like to know who told him it was a good call to not wear knee pads. Oh man, LOOLOLOL at Nitro trying to hit his finisher well after Miz got pulled out of the ring. Not that he ever hit the fucking move anyway. Fuck Johnny Mundo. Luckily, Show knocks his ass out. Titles retained.
TO THE AXXESS. Oh boy, reading and golfing.
Ted DiBiase vs Cody Rhodes vs Randy Orton
Legacy EXPLODES! Will Cody and Ted team up on their former mentor and leader? Or will they all go their separate ways? Well, at first, it seems like it might be a handicap match. Of course, young Cody and Ted can't keep their shit together and get jealous of each other. No one gives a shit about ANYTHING those two are doing, but they sure love Orton. Randy decimates them and makes them look like trash. So much for these two having their big break out match. Cody got the punt, Ted got the RKO. And I'm pretty sure Randy was wearing mascara.
TO THE JOSH. Oh fuck, this cunt Josh Matthews. He gives a big build up for what will obviously be HBK, but was actually for Vikki Guerrero, who is putting her career on the line later tonight. Layla the gawdess. Mein gott. Jillian Michaels pops in to sing Simply The Best. This leads into Santino doing a Slim Jims commercial. He takes a bite of a Slim Jim, and Jillian transforms into Mae Young, who kisses him. Another bite and Mae transforms into Mean BY GOD Gene. The next time it's Melina. Well, that was something.
Kofi Kingston vs MVP vs Evan Bourne vs Jack Swagger vs Shelton Benjamin vs Matt Hardy vs Dolph Ziggler vs Drew McIntyre vs Kane vs Christian
Money In The Bank
Man...who the fuck wants half of these guys in a ladder match? Drew is also the reigning IC champ coming into this. But a 10 man ladder match. Fuck. There's not even room to do big ladder spots with 10 people. Says a lot that by 2010, they were already out of ideas for ladder spots even with 10 people. Also not helping that because with all the people, the timing is off for almost all of the big spots for the first half of the match. Like, why am I supposed to be impressed that Bourne can do a SSP off a wedged ladder that wasn't even as high as the top rope? A little more impressed at taking a hip toss from the giant ladder, though. There's a really dumb spot where Kane pulls a ladder apart, and Kofi decides to use the two sides like stilts while Matt Striker screams about how ingenious it is...despite there abut at LEAST 8 ladders around ringside within reach he could have grabbed and climbed up. Surely there was a smarter spot for Kofi to show off his athleticism. For some reason, out of shape, drug issue having Matt Hardy ends up taking the biggest bumps in this match. Let one of those youthful bucks take those bumps. Surely he had earned the right not to have to take terrible bumps. And then JACK FUCKING SWAGGER knocks Christian off a ladder to win MITB. JACK SWAGGER. REMEMBER THIS MOMENT.
Recap of the Hall of Fame, with the 2010 class coming out before the crowd. Man. BOB UECKER AND ANTONIO INOKI are cutting up together at Wrestlemania in 2010. And next to them is Gorgeous George's widow. And Bruce Hart is also on the stage in jeans. Wrestling is fucking weird.
Sheamus vs Triple H
This seems kind of weird in retrospect. A year ago, HHH was in the main event for the title. This year, he's not even in the middle of the show against a guy who had been on TV for about a year. The difference in skin tone is HILARIOUS. Sheamus, as white as a ghost. HHH, bordering on Hulk Hogan orange. So Sheamus keeps trying to break the pace of the match, but HHH is a vet pretty well accustomed to do that himself. Hunter goes after the leg of Sheamus, and Sheamus does a very solid job of selling it. For a while, at least. He kind of stops when doing his back breakers, which should certainly impact his knees. This very slow and deliberate. Straight out of 1987. HHH hits a pedigree OUTTA NOWHERE to win. What's really going to bake your noodle is this somewhat plodding, heatless match in the middle of the show was HHH's last match as a full time performer. Between this match and his match with Taker at WM 27, he had 8 matches, only two of which were televised. Sheamus is the dude that ended his full time career.
Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk
Maybe Rey's worst WM outfit: A fucking smurf from Avatar. Punk seems to have an answer for all of Rey's normal spots, so Rey starts bringing out older ones, including the Halloween Havoc backflip DDT. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work out as well 13 years and 13 knee surgeries later. This probably could have been the big WERKRATE match of the show, but was instead a 6 minute match where Rey outsmarted the entire SES and pinned Punk with a splash.
Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon No Holds Barred
Now, there was a very circuitous route to get to this match that I won't go into because it's fucking dumb, but Bret finally returned to WWE in January, and now he's finally going to have that match with Vince. I'm TRIGGERED they redid Bret's theme. Shit was so unnecessary. But Bret returns to Wrestlemania and a WWE ring for the first time since 1997. And much like his last match in WCW, he's in his jorts. He also looks very nervous. Vince comes out and says that Bret deserves a WRESTLEMANIA SIZED SCREWING. He paid a bunch of money to get some lumberjacks. The lumberjacks? The entire Hart Family. Lmao. Vince paid off the Hart Family to screw Bret. Bruce Hart will be the ref. Of course, all of this falls VERY flat because A. No one cares about the Hart Family, and B. Everyone saw this big SWERVE of the Harts screwing Vince coming the second they came out. So, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the whole family beats Vince up. Then Tyson Kidd and Harry Smith give him a concussion with a top rope to the floor Hart Attack. Then Bret repeatedly beats Vince with a crowbar. Then repeatedly beats him with a chair. To the point where you start feeling bad for Vince. 20+ by the end of it. And the thing is, Bret doesn't even appear to be enjoying it. The crowd isn't, either. It's like when you jerk off because you have nothing else to do and then feel like a piece of shit when you're done. Bret finally locks on the sharpshooter and ends this Canadian nightmare as the whole Hart family gets to celebrate in the ring. Except for Teddy. Lol. Finally, the wounds of Montreal are healed. Or something. Vince really paid for his transgressions.
Edge vs Chris Jericho World Heavyweight Championship
I want to say hard pass on this match. Edge coming back from one of a hundred injuries, Jericho having used up all his juju with the HBK feud. Why the fuck is Matt Striker acting like these two trained and traveled the indies together? Jericho had already been in Japan and SMW when Edge got his first bookings. They didn't even have an interaction until Jericho came to WWE. Shut the fuck up, Matt. "They're both Canadian, so they traveled and trained together. Pretty much brothers, guys." Winnipeg and Toronto are TWENTY HOURS APART. Little Edgie Wedgie would ride his bike 2000 kilometers both ways just to talk about wrestling with Chris Jericho. The magic of sports entertainment, brehs. Imagine if some dumb fuck said two guys from America grew up together when one lived in Indianapolis and one in Denver. Because that's about what this fuck head just said. Man, FUCK Matt Striker. Lmao at King and Cole actively ignoring him and talking over him while he's trying to give some meaningless and incorrect historical fact. If you catch them in the camera shot, it's clear they hate it when Matt speaks. Mr. History called the Undisputed Championship the Unified Championship, and THEN goes on to say that Jericho beat Austin and Rock in the SAME MATCH. Undisputed Championship. Two matches. You stupid fuck. How did this piece of shit ever get hired? Anywhere? It takes all fucking match for Jericho to go after the Achilles, and then that heads into a ref bump and title shot. Jericho wins via Codebreaker. Title retained. Edge was clearly washed at this point. After the match, Edge, who couldn't stand on his leg moments ago, is able to run across two tables to spear Jericho into the time keeper's area.
LayCool/Maryse/Alicia Fox/Vickie Guerrero vs Mickie James/Kelly Kelly/Eve Torres/Gail Kim/Beth Phoenix
This literally goes on for about 30 seconds before the big finisher rush sequence. Vickie goes up top to do a tribute to Eddie, basically falls off the ropes, and Kelly Kelly's shoulder came up, so the ref really stopped counting, making Vickie have to keep splashing Kelly and redoing the pin. What a mess. Luckily it was about 3 minutes long.
John Cena vs Batista WWE Championship
Yes, Batista getting a lone spotlight entrance. At WM. Wonderful. Meanwhile, Cena has a cornball Marines twirling their guns entrance. The last time these two met up was at Summerslam 2008. Cena broke his neck. Bateaster goes after it almost immediately. Fans seem weirdly pretty either uninterested or at least too tired to care for this. And then Batista hits a brutal spike DDT. OUTTA NOWHERE. Things pick up and the crowd gets into it after a while, but this is a pretty meh match. A lot of awkward spots. And a weird finish where they did the same spot that broke Cena's neck at Summerslam (poorly, btw), directly into Cena locking in the STF to make Batista tap. New champion.
Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
At last year's event, these two put on what is considered by many to be the GOAT WM match. HBK came closer than anyone to breaking the streak, and over the next year, getting one more shot to break the streak has consumed him. Undertaker would refuse to offer him a rematch until HBK cost him the World Championship at Elimination Chamber. Undertaker accepted the challenge...but only if HBK would put his career on the line. It's career vs streak. It's WRESTLEMANIA!
HBK has a normal entrance. Last year he descended from the heavens. Taker ascends from Hell with some dope lasers. HBK immediately plays mind games and has Taker PIST. Taker tweaks his knee doing Old School, which is something Shawn picks up on and goes after. That's how much of the match goes: HBK kicking at the leg, doing various submissions from people he's had feuds with, Taker hitting a big move and trying to rest up. Like a tombstone on the floor, which you might recall beat Jake Roberts at WM 8. It's actually kind of weird. Has a strange pace to it. Taker gets his knees up on the elbow drop, which hurt his knee more and fucked HBK's ribs. None of this stops them from hitting powerbombs and superkicks and kicking out and shit. I guess it is Wrestlemania and streak vs career. HBK hits a dope moonsault on the announce table, I assume by happenstance landing on Taker's knee. After another superkick and tombstone kick out, Taker decides that HBK has nothing left. "Stay down!" Much like when HBK had to retire Ric Flair, Taker doesn't really want to do this. But then HBK, ever the piece of shit, slaps Taker, leading to a furious JUMPING TOMBSTONE. HBK's career has come to an end. Wrestlemania ends with HBK waving goodbye to the crowd.
This was definitely a lot weaker than I remembered. HBK/Taker in particular was a lot weaker than I remembered, but the Bret/Vince thing basically killed the show. I'm very upset that Bret's comeback included Bruce Hart getting his Wrestlemania moment. And fuck Matt Striker. In the end, I guess HBK/Taker was match of the night, but if it had been any two other people in the match, people would still be bitch about the needless finisher spam and kick outs. This is a match where Taker hits a tombstone on the floor a few minutes in and it doesn't impact the match at all. Where HBK does all this leg work and it doesn't stop Taker from hitting chokeslams and three more tombstones, one being a jumping version.