Joey Janela's Spring Break
I don't know who the frick Joey Janela is or why he's getting his own show, but here we are. It turns out, Joey has been been obsessed with wrestling Marty Jannetty, walking around like a bum asking for change so he can get money to book Marty. He'd eventually buy a teapot that housed Genie Scott Hall, who granted Joey his wish. What the fuck am I watching? Lmao.
The real show starts with a metal versoin of the Nitro theme. SPRANG BREAK!
Sami Callihan vs Kyle The Beast
I was on board for Hall as a genie and the Nitro theme, but then to actually start with Sami Callihan? Fuck that. This match starts with 3 dives in 30 seconds. Excuse me, 4 dives in 45 seconds. Sami is wearing jeans, and a BEACH BALL shot gets a holy shit chant. I guess it's going to be one of those shows. Kyle The Beast is such a looooooool name though. Lol. This match is dull as fuck. The announcers keep pointing out that Sami has a ton of matches over WM weekend, so it makes sense that he's not doing much. And then they repeatedly compare him to Robert Horry. Lol at the giant FloSlam banners all over the place. Also lol at one of the announcers saying the only thing he watches is wrestling, and the other saying he leads a terrible life. This match definitely needed a FIGHTING SPIRTU strike battle. Two short, fat dudes in what seems to be a barn or something. Sami won with a stretch muffler. Sucked. After the match, Sami says he's blown up and VERY loudly and obnoxiously wheezes into the mic and puts KTB over. Like I'm supposed to care what this fuck head has to say.
Braxton Sutter/Allie vs Penelope Ford/Andy Williams
Boy. What the fuck am I watching? Why are TNA people on this show? Andy Williams is in a metal band or something, I guess. He throws a lariat at Allie to start the match. So Braxton kicks Penelope in the tits. Off to a great start. This is a street fight apparently. WCW should have gifted them the split screen so you could actually see what's going on. Meanwhile, the announcers are nonstop bitching about the producers and being told what and what not to do. Then someone gets suplexed through a DOOR. Lmao why the fuck was there a DOOR in the crowd? This is terrible. The women are very bad, one of the guys isn't even a wrestler. Doesn't know how to run the ropes. He's also selling superkicks from a woman literally 100+ pounds lighter and 8 inches shorter than him. Andy and Penelope win.
Eddie Kingston vs Matt Tremont GCW Championship
Oh wait, one of these announcers is Excalibur? No wonder he has no problem shitting on the producers and FloSlam. Matt Tremont looks like he should be in IWA Deep South. JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE THE ANNOUNCERS TALKING OVER A PROMO. This production is so god damn shoddy and low rent, lol. This is now falls count anywhere! Just two fat dudes who could not look less athletic if they tried. WHY ARE THERE MORE DOORS UNDER THE RING? Doors must have been cheaper than tables. "It is a pathway to Narnia under the ring, and Matt Tremont has no interest going to a fantasy land." Lmao. Tremont is almost immediately busted open. No surprise. His shirt has a picture of him with a bloody face. Eddie just stabbing the fuck out of this fat fuck with a fork. Sprang Break is supposed to be fun, god damn it. This goes around the arena, which you can't see at all because there's no lighting. Meanwhile, Excalibur is talking about golden showers. He also seems happy about the idea of cops coming in to shut the show down. "Do you think the FloSlam production crew would yell at the cops for talking over the ring announcers?" "Hey guys, it kind of sucks right now 'cuz we really can't see what's going on because we're so far away from this action." Don't worry, I can see it and it sucks close up, too. This is horrible. Tremont wins with a DVD. Through a door. Title retained.
You can win by pinfall, submission, or DEATH. It seems to be either a Royal Rumble or gauntlet type of match. One of these dudes comes out to THE NINJA RAP. GO NINJA GO NINJA GO. These two dudes that start I've never heard of and they're terrible. Nor do I know the third person. And then Veda Scott! We got broads in this match! "Don't assume the Invisible Man's gender." Clusterfuck is a good name for this as there are 10 people to go and this is already a mess. Fucking LOOOOOOL at this dude completely missing a superkick to Veda, but then one of the other guys just hitting her full force for no reason. "You know, the thing that was sorely lacking in pro wrestling is misogyny, and I'm really glad we got to rectify that tonight." I don't know any of these dudes, but I can tell you they're all fuckin' geeks. LOLOLOLOL Excalibur says guys are coming out at random times because they're getting stuck with unskippable ads on Youtube while loading up their music. There's some dude in an Ultimo Dragon mask now. Jervis Cottonbelly. There's a name I know. This is so, so, so bad lol. Apparently Jervis offered Excalibur DMT once. A pool noodle is used as a weapon. It's THE INVISIBLE MAN! He's on fire! Lmao, a BOO YAY strike battle with the Invisible Man. German suplex! DDT! Who is this mother fucker entering to No Mercy's menu music? "Much like capitalism makes criminals of us all, wrestling makes misogynists of us all, and Jimmy Lloyd is no exception." Arik Cannon comes to the ring drinking pints of PBR. As if he couldn't get more white trash. It's GLACIER! MY BLOOD IS RUNNING COLD! Man, if they get Wrath or The Cat in this shit, I'll pop so hard. IT'S DINK THE CLOWN. Lmao. What the fuck is going on here? Dink and Glacier having a showdown. Loool. "Ladies and gentleman, Dink The Clown has left the building." Ethan page eliminates the Invisible Man with a Rock Bottom. Things come down to Ethan Page and Glacier. And then the MORTAL KOMBAT THEME starts. And Ethan rolls him up in a 2D plane. Page wins. Then he mooned the crowd. And apparently Ethan DIDN'T win, because Jimmy Lloyd is still in the match. Even though Ethan was announced as the winner. Clusterfuck indeed. Jimmy gets put through some doors. But he won't quit and hits a piledriver thing and actually wins the match. Diggity dog.
Lio Rush vs Keith Lee
This is like Bob Sapp against a bantamweight. This will no doubt be the best match on the show, I'm pretty sure. A nice big man vs small man match. The first spot is an apron powerbomb. It's actually not good, but it does has some cool power spots. Lio walking around with this big fuck on his shoulders was pretty impressive. A ref bump! A ref who is wearing board shorts. Because SPRANG BREAK. Lio won with three frog splashes in a row.
Joey Janela vs Marty Jannetty
Fucking dying at Marty's weird dancing and the announcer taking pics of him while in the ring. Marty looks in pretty decent shape, all things considered. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL the mic stops working during ring introductions. Joey doing the HBK pose. Lol. Omg Marty dabbed. "Is it unprofessional to speculate how many drugs Marty Jannetty is on right now?" "Give Marty Jannetty's brain to science." Joey hits Marty with a cheap shot. Much like this whole show, this is terrible, but Excalibur is hilarious. "He's gonna be so pissed to find out last call is 2AM in Orlando." Why does he have his name written in Disney script on his tights? The fuck. Lol. He randomly takes a bump and the ref asks him if he's okay. "What?" "Alcoholism isn't funny, people." Joey works the notoriously gooey ankles of Marty. A ref gets superkicked. A second comes out and gets slapped. A third comes out and gets tombstoned. A fourth comes out and gets punched. A fifth comes out and gets piledriven on another ref. Joey keeps applying a sharpshooter and then EARL FUCKING HEBNER comes out. Earl won't ring the fuckin' bell this time. Omg, he's actually wearing his TNA ref shirt. Lmao. Earl gets bumped. Then some guy in a lucha mask comes out and attacks Joey. "What the fuck did I walk into?" Marty pulls the mask off to reveal VIRGIL! SWERVE! "Virgil tried to get me to grab his dick in a mall once when I was seventeen." Marty Jannetty hits a CANADIAN DESTROYER. This is clearly the fever dream of someone who took acid while watching Thunder in 1998. Chuck Taylor joins commentary halfway through the match. Joey does a swanton on an open chair, which seems like a bad idea. Marty hits the Rocker Dropper on two chairs and Joey KICKS OUT! He hits a superkick for the win and the Rocker's music starts up. Lmao. Holy shit, Marty was gonna hit this dude with a chair but it was stuck in a tear in the mat. And then Marty cuts a damn near unintelligible promo that the dudes on commentary openly laugh at. Why the fuck was Virgil there?
Dan Severn vs Matt Riddle
Holy shit, wtf. It's like 3 AM as this goes on, and it's DAN SEVERN main eventing in 2017. Oh shit, Dan comes out to the old school UFC theme. Incredible. I'm pretty confident that Matt is blazed out of his mind. "So I hear you're gonna kick my ass. Well, here I am." Dan doing promos. Amazing. Now, is this a shewt? #bigfightfeel. Some nice grapples on the mat. Pretty fucking weird to have this pseudo shootstyle match after that Marty Jannetty shit. Dan hits some big suplexes and has Riddle reeling. LOLOLOL a chop battle. The Beast is like 60 years old. This is pretty bad. You know, because Dan Severn is 60 years old and Matt Riddle is a rookie who is probably high as fuck. Dan had the dragon sleeper (which he learned from Ultimo Dragon in Mexico) locked on tight, but Matt was able to roll out and lock on the twister for the win. After the match, Matt says: "Me and Dan Severn didn't call shit, we just beat the shit out of each other right now and it was insane."
One of the most terrible, hilarious, absurd shows I've ever seen. Hilariously terrible. Probably would have been unwatchable without Excalibur, though. The crowd was there after 3 AM on a THURSDAY for this shit.