Impact Wrestling 3/9/17

TNA reboots. Again. Now that Anthem Sports & Entertainment has purchased the company, the front office and much of the roster have been cleaned out. A new booking team has been brought it, and by new I mean Jeff Jarrett and Dutch Mantell. Again. NEW ERA! 

The show opens with clips of nothing but people who are no longer with TNA. REMEMBER WHEN TNA WAS GOOD? IT'S A NEW ERA! The only guys to get actual shout outs are Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Sting. Omg, they really have Anthem and the owl as part of the intro and logo.

Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards, former tag partners in the American Wolves, are brawling in the arena. "WHERE WERE YOU, EDDIE? WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?!?"

Josh Matthews throws a fit because he suddenly sees a third headset at the booth. As if he didn't notice that in the likely 15 minutes he's been in that seat. "This isn't Smackdown, where they have 47 announcers. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Why, it's JB! Jeremy Borash has joined the announce crew. Josh loses his fucking mind. "Get the hell out of here!" The new owners thought that there should be some excitement at the announce table, and someone the people actually like. Now, is that a shewt? JB brings talks up Mike Tenay, who spent 12 years with TNA and took JB under his wing. But then someone was fired from WWE, and two idiots who no longer work for TNA thought Josh was the model announcer. "I'll tell you a model wrestling announcer is these days: It's a Ken doll with no balls, and you fit the description to a tee." OMG, Josh says he was calling Wrestlemania with millions of viewers instead of the people that come to TNA shows FOR FREE. Why the fuck would you ever point out that your audience doesn't pay? "Jim Ross is a friend of mine. Jim Ross thinks you're an arrogant prick!" 

Cody and Brandi Rhodes then come out. He refuses to too sweet Josh. Cody has the GFW Championship with him and calls Moose out. Instead, the DCC come out and Cody just goes away.

DCC vs Reno Scum

Reno Scum are making their Impact debuts. They have tag belts with them. JB is also doing ring introductions. Oh, they're Future Stars of Wrestling tag champs. They're punk rockers. There will be some big announcements on this show that Josh doesn't know about. Josh claims he is responsible for the new ref shirts, which Pope immediately buries, and then JB makes fun of Josh's men's fashion podcast. You know what's great for a NEW ERA? Commentators arguing about inside baseball the whole show. Josh has no idea who these Reno Scum are, so he basically shits on them while Pope is the only one trying to call the action. Reno Scum won clean with a double stomp curb stomp to Eddie Kingston. Oh wait, Rockstar Spud is the new announcer, not JB. I bet he's wishing he could have been in the WWE UK Championship tournament about now. James Storm argues with Bram and Kingston, but everyone makes up before leaving the ring.

TWO WEEKS AGO. Braxton Sutter and someone almost got married. Then Allie and Maria brawled and the bride got drunk. A week later, she's still drunk in her wedding dress. 

TO THE MCKENZIE. McKenzie was supposed to speak with Maria, but Sienna shows up to say Maria has had a nervous breakdown. "I thought it was contract negotiations." "LALALA FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS!" She's going to make Allie pay.

Braxton Sutter vs DJZ vs Marshay Rocket vs Caleb Connolly

Sutter is the only one to get an entrance, so fuck the rest of these guys. I've never heard of Rocket nor Connolly. Neither seem good. Sutter seems not good either. Now , I'm going to pretend that Rocket keeps getting triple teamed not because he's black, but because he's the biggest man in the ring. Barely. Seems a little sus, tbh. Allie dives on him, too. NO LIMITS! Sutter then pins him. "This is atrocious."  The bride, Laurel, still drunk and in her wedding dress, looking like a hot mess, comes out to scream.

Sienna vs Rachael Ellering

Paul Ellering's baby girl making her TNA debut. JB tries to explain Ellering's history, but he and Josh argue too much and it ends up being a plug for Schitt's Creek instead of of talking about the wrestlers in the ring. "You look like you're 700 years old. I will come over there and beat your ass." LMAO. "Who gives a Schitt's Creek where you grew up?" If there's a match going on, you wouldn't know it. Even if it was impressive (which it wasn't), the announcers wouldn't be calling it at all. Sienna won with a shoulder block. I think it was supposed to be the pounce, but it looked like a basic ass shoulder block. Josh screamed over the entire finish sequence about talking to a GLOBAL AUDIENCE. "I will just sit here and let you bury yourself the entire show." Josh then plugs Fantasy Sports. Lmao.

BRUCE PRICHARD, aka Brother Love, comes to the ring. "This guy was here when it was the lowest of lows, the darkest days and nights in the history of this company." Josh BERRIES wrestling podcasts and is sick of of people coming in and trying to suck off the tit of greatness. Brother Love immediately plugs his his podcast and website, then talks about how Impact isn't as good as it used to be. Once upon a time, Impact was on the cusp of greatness. But it didn't happen. "I'm here to tell you, and this is not a rib: TNA is dead!" New owners, new management, new name. Bruce was there when Hulkamania was running wild, brother. He was there when Stone Cold opened up his first can of whoop ass. He smelled what the Rock was cookin'. He saw John Cena before you couldn't see him. He knows how to make wrestling great. This piece of shit is wearing purple shoes. Fuck him. Then he brings out Bobby Lashley. The implication being that Lashley is on the level of Hogan/Austin/Rock/Cena? Lashley comes out to what sounds like a sound machine of random noise instead of an actual crowd reaction. Now, mind you, right after Brother Love cuts a promo about how the TNA brand name is dead, Bobby Lashley strolls out with the championship that still has TNA in giant letters on it. Lashley should be recognized as the best athlete in sports, and there can be no argument since there is no one left to challenge him. SMASH CUT TO: Alberto El Patron! That's right, Alberto Del Rio is in the Impact Zone! WE KNOW WHO THAT IS! Try not to sigh too much. Josh runs down ADR's WWE accomplishments. "This is a trending topic right now." Lmao. Shit is on multiple days tape delay. And I'm 1000% positive this was not trending. It's a NEW ERA...of TNA having their championship decided by two ex-WWE guys. NEW ERA! EC3 also comes out. You know, another ex-WWE guy. NEW ERA! In fact, the only person involved in this segment that isn't a former WWE talent is JB, and he's a former WCW talent. Bob and Al completely ignore EC3, and Lashley vs ADR is booked for later in the show. Lol. 

JB is on the phone talking to management about a legend that has NEVER BEEN ON IMPACT arriving in the back while Josh throws a fit about how unprofessional it is. "Joe Buck would never take a phone call during the Super Bowl." 

TO THE MCKENZIE. Eddie Edwards, still hot from the brawl with Davey Richards an hour ago, didn't expect any of this. Angelina Love, wife of Davey Richards, interrupts to say that the fans and Eddie forgot about Davey while Davey was out hurt. The LONE WOLF Davey Richards. You guys know that Baron Corbin has been using The Lone Wolf for like 3 years at this point, right? Angelina slaps him in the NECK. The fuck? 

Cody Rhodes returns, still calling out Moose. it was made clear earlier that Moose was wrestling with Great Muta in NOAH. Lmao, Cody still won't too sweet Josh. Cody throws his GFW title in the ring and won't leave until Moose shows up. MOOSE IS IN JAPAN! And then he leaves into the crowd.

Vignette talking about Lashley talking about how he's going to make Impact Great Again.  

Dutch Mantell comes out! On his scooter. Lmao, he's the legend JB was talking about. "My name is Ze...oh, wait a minute. Can't say that. Can't say that. Legalities, you know." Dutch explains he was Zeb Coulter in an alternate universe, how he got his nickname of Dirty (working hard in da biz), and how he's going to help make Impact Great Again. Dutch was here 8 years ago when Impact was great (Brother Love previously said Impact never was great earlier in the show), then name drops (with pictures) AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Bobby Roode, Sting, Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Christian, Booker T. They all left, including himself, because leadership in the former company sucked. Lack of vision, lack of respect. So they all left, and TNA has sucked ever since, apparently. But then the fans left. Dutch's first idea? BRING THE PEOPLE BACK. Dutch makes it clear he has no power in the company and he's just there to give advice. The people are his boss. "No Dutch Mantell promo will be complete unless I use this ending line. I want every real wrestling fan in this building and within the sound of my voice to please rise, put your hand over your heart, and say along with me: WE THE PEOPLE....will make Impact great." Jesus Christ. 

TO THE ZOO. The Broken Hardys are at Matt's personal zoo to have a match with Smokin' Joe Frazier, the kangaroo. 

Jeff Hardy vs Joe Frazier

Joe works a headlock like a fiend. "That's enough! Oh, that was too intense." I guess it's fair to assume that Jeff gave up. Joe briefly went after Matt, and then goes back for Jeff. Jeff thanks Joe for the love and training. How do these guys not actually get fucked up by a god damn kangaroo, and how are they allowed to wrestle with this animal without people throwing a shitfit? I guess people have to watch TNA to know this is even happening. 

Elsewhere, the Hardys teleport in search of new gold. However, the TNA tag titles are teleported back to the Impact Zone, where the Decay gained possession of them. Apparently, Rosemary put some kind of hex on V1 or something? The Hardys are now broken, deleted, and decayed. Yes, TNA wrote of the Broken Hardys by having them get into a teleporting accident. 

JB announces the 15th anniversary of Impact, Slammiversary on July 2nd. Josh shits all over JB being the one to announce this, because who the fuck would want to buy a show from that guy?

Alberto El Patron vs Bobby Lashley Impact Wrestling Championship

Remember when ADR made his "shocking" return to WWE against John Cena, in a match that he won in 7 minutes and was doing rest holds 1 minute in? The NEW ERA of TNA ends with an-ex WWE star taking on an ex-WWE star for the title called by 2 ex-WWE stars and an ex-WCW star calling the action, and then going to a commercial right after introductions. NEW ERA! Josh and JB immediately get into a bitch fit over the ring, because Josh wonders how ADR will respond to this new shape, while JB points out that the 6 sided ring started in Mexico where ADR wrestled. I don't know if TNA has ever actually acknowledged that they didn't come up with the 6 sided ring. Anyway, Lashley and ADR go on to have a half speed, dull as hell match. You know, like every ADR match in about 4 years at this point. At some point, EC3 strolls out to watch the match. Seems safe to just ignore his ass again. Oh, what a surprise, a ref bump. A ref who is a former WWE ref, btw. Del Rio locks on the arm bar and gets Rampage Bombed. "How good is this match?" Not very, Josh. There's a SECOND ref bump. NEW ERA! Lashley brings the title into the ring only to get hit with it. Alberto El Patron is the new champion! Put your title on maybe the least reliable guy in pro wrestling, brehs. NEW ERA. Lashley throws a fit, which brings out Brother Love and Simon Diamond, as ADR leads SI SI SI chants to end the show. NEW ERA!  

What a train wreck of a show. An entertaining train wreck, at least. This very much followed the template of the WCW reboot in 2000 minus the title vacancies and roster meeting. Worked shoots (from announcers, no less), CONSTANT references to WWE, guys coming out to say the promotion has sucked for years, talking about old talent that left because the old bosses sucked, and a "shocking" debut of an outside talent. 

On this two hour show, there were all of TWO segments that didn't involve former WWE talent: The four way X Division match, and the McKenzie/Sienna promo. Every other segment on the show included people who appeared on mainline WWE or NXT. But it's a NEW ERA, with new talent. Like Alberto Del Rio. And worked shoots between announcers. And two old timers who USED to work for TNA coming out and saying TNA has sucked in the however many years they've been gone, and one going so far as to say TNA was never great to begin with. Look at all this great talent we USED to have that went on to the big leagues, god we suck, right guys? Well, let's Make Impact Great Again. Because certainly, viewers in America and on the GLOBAL SCALE Josh screamed about want to be reminded of Donald Trump every week.  

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