WCW Monday Nitro 1/31/00
Another Monday, another night of unbridled fuckery. Last week on Thunder, Sid was stripped of his newly won WCW Championship, with the title being decided in a handicap Hell In A Cell match between Sid and Nash/A Harris Brother. Sid won and is once again champion.
EARLIER TODAY. Hall called Nash, but it appears that Nash will not be at the show tonight. Double J is being put in control as acting commissioner tonight.
TO THE BACK. Acting Commissioner Double J heads to the ring with the rest of the shittiest nWo.
Oh boy, starting the show with three straight Double J segments. Can you believe WCW went out of business? At least Scott Steiner gets to talk. "As you people in Pencilvania can see, I had to bring my own freaks, 'cuz when I look in the crowd all I see is a bunch of overfed, overweight, corn fed heifers that you people call 'women'." "Your girlfriend is as ugly...huh? No screw you!" The Harris Brothers are officially inducted into the nWo. Brutal. Jeff names himself as the number one contender to Sid's championship at SuperBrawl. He also books himself and the Harris Bros against Sid/two partners of Jeff's choice. "I will take bribes. You know where my office is at."
TO THE BACK. Sid arrives in his now trademark tiny hat. He seems pretty happy. Elsewhere, a limo arrives. It's RIC FLAIR! BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!
TO THE BACK. Harlem Heat 2K Inc. LTD is walking around. Ahmed Johnson is drinking a gallon of milk. Elsewhere, Arn Anderson convinces Funk that tonight is the night to strike against the nWo. Funk wants to see Flair, but Arn won't take him to see Ric.
Lash LeRoux vs Evan Karagias
This is part of the cruiserweight championship tournament. After 15 minutes of Jeff Jarrett and commercials, seems great to finally start the show with Lash and Evan. Lash breaks up the song before they can get singing. This leads into Mark/Tenay getting into musical snobbery and Madden implying that he'd like to fuck teenage girls. A very short, heatless match that Lash won with his stupid Russian leg sweep.
TO THE BACK. The nWo still celebrate the Harris Bros being inducted. A woman brings in trays of foods, only for one of those bald fucks to send her away. Then Double J speaks in carny.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is near the doors with Crowbar, David Flair, and Daffney. They'll get their tag title rematch tonight. Crowbar does his Gordon Solie impression. The Mamalukes attack. "Come on, I got glasses on!"
David Flair/Crowbar vs Mamalukes Bensonhurst Street Fight WCW Tag Team Championships
The match is on and they immediately go outside. It's winter! There's snow! Back body drop into a snow bank! BRUTAL! Fucking lol, they really did that promo JUST so they could do a back drop in the snow and head right to the ring. Vito is out here stealing New Jack spots, and I don't know where the hell JTB went. Disco is out on commentary. David Flair is selling OPEN WATER BOTTLES TO THE HEAD. Lmao. Oh my, Miss Hancock has come to ringside. So many low blows. Disco distracts Crowbar and Vito puts him through a table with an elbow drop. Titles retained.
TO THE BACK. Harlem Heat 2K Inc. LTD as well as Booker/Midnight head to the arena. Ahmed how has a bottle of Gatorade. Elsewhere, Brian Knobs shows up with a handful of money asking Double J to book Finlay vs Lex Luger.
Booker T comes out for his match. Before he gets to the ring, his music stops. Mr. Biggs comes out to explain that Booker no longer has the rights to the music and other associated trademarks of Harlem Heat Inc. Mind you, he called Booker "Stevie" to start this promo. In addition to the music, the T also belongs to Harlem Heat Inc. Ahmed spends the whole promo flipping people off. "HEY, BOOKER T, LET ME PUT IT IN EBONICS!" Stevie brings up GI Bro, Ahmed says something incomprehensible. T belongs to Big T. "If he's just Booker, no one's gonna like him back stage anymore." Biggs sends Stevie and Ahmed away, then talks shit until Midnight throws him in the ring, where he gets a beating. Harlem Heat slowly and awkwardly come back and beat up Stevie.
TO THE BACK. Norman Smiley is walking around when he runs into 3 Count. They attack him, and he runs away. Elsewhere, Double J tells Finlay he's booked against Lex Luger at the behest of Knobs. Jeff, being a man of his word, puts Finlay in the ring with Lex...as a ref. Against Knobs. "He's fat, Fit. Don't listen to him. Don't trust him." Elsewhere elsewhere, Knobs throws a shit fit having seen this on the monitor.
TO THE BACK. Norman finds The Demon's casket, tries to hide in it, then screams when it closes on him.
Kidman vs The Wall
A rematch from Souled Out, this time without the HIAC. Excuse me, Caged Heat. Outside of a brief flurry of offense, Wall dominated and had Kidman up for the chokeslam when VAMPIRO came out to hit a spin kick from the top rope, allowing Kidman to get the win with a very delayed pin that looked like shit. Kidman was mad about it.
TO THE BACK. Ric Flair heads to the arena. Elsewhere, Hall wants to know who Sid's partners are tonight.
TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. Ric Flair is the guest, but Terry Funk's music played before and during Gene's intro. Lol, Flair starts doing the local sports team babyface promo only to SWERVE and say none of them compare to him. "Yeah, you better go WHOOO, that's what you're girlfriend's gonna be doing tonight, pal." "Pal, ask your mother, ask your girlfriend. I'm the man!" Basically, Flair is back and he's still the greatest, so get in line, bitches. They wanted him to be the commissioner, but he said NO. He's gonna make WCW great again! By calling out Terry Funk. "You're Terry Funk and I'm Ric Flair. There's a big difference." Definitely what will get WCW back up and rolling is the remix to ignition of an 11 year old feud between two 50+ year olds. Funk comes out and soaks in the heel reaction. "Flair, you banana nosed, horse toothed evil bastard." LMAO, this is all based around MICK FOLEY's book. Then Terry says he'd beat David's ass if he was his father. Teach that goof some respect. "From Starrcade to Wrestlemania back to Starrcade, I got more world titles than you got cows on that little tiny chicken ranch of yours, pal." "CHICKEN RANCH MY ASS!" "Talk to me face to face, I'll slap the shit out of you right here tonight, pal." Terry makes it to the ring and a brawl breaks out. Security hits the ring and Terry attacks them as well.
TO THE BACK. The nWo just found Sid's partners.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Sid doesn't seem to mind that his partners will be Flair and Funk. Somebody will be powerbombed STRAIGHT TO HELL.
TO THE BACK. Miss Hancock confronts Lodi and Lenny for not wearing their suits. "We were nothing but eye candy to get you over in the first place." "Oh yeah, we're really lucky to have a job with WCW. WHOOHOO!" Elsewhere, Liz and Lex head to the arena.
The Total Package vs Brian Knobs
Special Ref: Fit Finlay
O THE BACK. Norman somehow managed to get into The Demon's gear...and face paint. After a break, The Demon, in full face paint, is filing a police report about his stolen gear. "Somebody jacked my gear!", he said in the least threatening voice you've ever heard in your life.
Norman Smiley vs Shane Helms
Norman went from battling in the UWF to dressing up like Gene Simmons to wrestle a boy band. BIG NEWS: Hulk Hogan called during the break to tell the office he'd be at Thunder to confront Lex Luger. Norman wins with the crossface. Demon comes out in I guess alternate shorts that he wears on house shows or something, chasing Norman through the stands.
TO THE MEAN GENE. DDP and Kim discuss their relationship being back to a good spot. And they're fucking all the time now. The Mamalukes show up. One of them grab Kim's ass, and Disco gets blamed. He calls Kim a bimbo, so Kim slaps him and DDP beats him up. This heads out to the arena and they brawl all the way to the ring.
DDP vs Disco Inferno
I guess it's a match now. "You wanna grab my wife's ass, you piece of shit?" DDP quickly wins with a very impactful Kanyon Cutter. BANG!
TO THE BACK. The nWo, Sid, and Terry Funk head to ringside.
Jeff Jarrett/Harris Brothers vs Sid/Terry Funk/Ric Flair
Ric doesn't show up for the match. The WCW crowds in 2000 did NOT want Terry Funk. At all. When they're booing you against Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Bros, it's time to find somewhere else to work. Finally, Flair runs down to ringside to attack Funk. Double J hits Sid with a guitar to win the match.
Total nonstop action. So much Double J. Crowds do NOT give a shit about him. Not even vaunted X-Pac heat, just nothing. A groan and silence unless a guitar comes out. Fans actually dislike Terry Funk and chant Terry sucks just about every time he's in front of them all over the country. And the fucking Harris Brothers have never garnered a reaction in their careers.