WCW Monday Nitro 1/10/00
On Thunder, Kevin Nash challenged Terry Funk to a match a Souled Out with the winner becoming the WCW Commissioner. Bret Hart had a match with Funk, which ended with Kevin Nash powerbombing Funk through the stage.
TO THE BACK. A WCW limo arrives. It's Terry Funk, Larry Zbyszko, Paul Orndorff, and Arn Anderson. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!
Dean Malenko/Saturn vs Konnan/Kidman vs David Flair/Crowbar
Falls Count Anywhere
FUCK EVERYTHING. God damn show starting with Konnan. Jesus fuck. At least that means the show can't get worse. Which means I'm sure I'll see the Harris Brothers 6 times tonight. The audio is SO fucked during this. Plus we get Shane Douglas on commentary. HAHA AAAAAASSSSSSSS. This is just random ass brawling. The crowbar and the pipe come into play. Saturn and Dean just leave the match and then apparently beat up an already injured Rey who I don't even know why he was out there to begin with. They take Rey up by the entrance, and Saturn hits a "balcony" dive onto Rey through at table. I guess we're going to not acknowledge that the area Saturn jumped from was COMPLETELY empty, and it wasn't a balcony at all. Nor was there any reason for there to be a table there. There was like...a punch bowl on that table. Right next to the entrance. Brain says it was "50, 60, 70 feet at least". David shows up to hit Dean with a crowbar. Dean just kind of wanders off, but David falls on top of Saturn and gets the win.
Tony tells us that this is normally the spot in the show where they'd run down what is booked, but Terry Funk has decided he is going to book the show on the fly, so the announcers will be just as surprised as the viewers tonight. We do know that we'll get a special interview with Stevie Ray, though. Stevie attacked Booker and Midnight on Thunder and will explain his actions. Buff and DDP will also have a face to face. There's a stipulation for the INTERVIEW, which is that if either man physically interacts with each other in the allotted 5 minutes, both will be fined $50K.
TO THE BACK. The nWo has arrived. It's Scott Steiner's birthday, and the rest of the group got him a second limo full of hootchies. HOLLAR. Elsewhere, the Old Age Outlaws were watching, and the crowd booed them.
A replay of Saturn's dive is shown. Tony Says it was 15-20 feet up. A far cry from 70 fucking feet.
TO THE BACK. Rey is taken away in an ambulance. He appears to be having a seizure. Elsewhere, Scotty is picking which of the women to fuck first.
Oklahoma comes to the ring, BY GAWD. He shits on women and hootchies in general. Those dang ol' women are meant to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, got dang it. He's going to take the WCW Cruiserweight Championship away from Madusa at Souled Out. He issues an open challenge to any fat ass woman.
Oklahoma vs Asya
Asya intimidates the shit out of OK to start the match, which is why he jumps he from behind. She beats his ass anyway. Madusa's music hits, and she very slowly walks out since she's wearing gigantic heels. In the meantime, OK hits Asya with a bottle of BBQ sauce. Madusa hits the ring and OK hits her with a broom. "Now she'll have no way to get home." Lol. This shit is so stupid.
TO THE BACK. The Old Age Outlaws head to the ring. Elsewhere, The nWo tries to get Scotty to stop fucking so they can head to the ring.
The Old Age Outlaws come to the ring. I just want to point out that this is the year 2000. Terry's first retirement was in 1983. Fans really don't give a shit about these guys. Not particularly surprising. Arn retired in 1997. Larry hasn't had a match since 1998. Paul retired in 1995. Why would people in 2000 give a shit about them? "Well, they almost killed me, but I sure don't feel stronger, but I'm ill as hell." God damn. What a line, Arn. Arn is going to find places to hide backstage and get some payback on the nWo. There are people right next to cameras shitting all over this. Larry cuts his normal whiny as promo about how this isn't the 21st century yet, and the nWo won't make it to the 21st century. He was kind of right. Paul gets to talk and points out the Power Plant guys in the front row and says he can still stay up all night. This brings out the nWo. The worst nWo ever, mind you. Nash shits on Terry Funk and his fashion sense, which is pretty rich coming from Kevin "shitty jeans in every era" Nash. Funk books Jeff Jarrett in 3 matches tonight: A wrestling match, a Bunkhouse Brawl, and a cage match. All of the opponents wills be close friends of Terry Funk. None of the OAO will be in the matches, though. Chris Benoit will be the referee in these matches. Funk is also booking Bret vs Nash for the title. "Get a new idea, Terry Funk, 'cuz you're an idiot." Lol. If Bret and Nash take it easy on each other, both will be suspended for a year, and Bret will be stripped of the title. Luckily, neither need the money and can afford to take the year off. Then Scott Steiner cuts a promo, which is ENTIRELY bleeped out. Lol. Terry promises to wash Scott's mouth out with soap tonight.
TO THE BACK. The OAG go over strategy. Elsewhere, Buff and DDP head to the ring. Elsewhere elsewhere, Arn meets someone in a limo, but it wasn't who he thought it was. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!!
MOMENTS AGO. We find out that the person in the limo was Kim.
TO THE MEAN SCUM GENE. Gene brings out DDP and Buff. They have to keep things civil for the 5 minutes allotted to this segment, OR ELSE. Will these two be able to keep it civil for 5 minutes? I doubt it. Both were FORCED into this segment by Terry Funk. DDP asks Gene to leave the ring, and he agrees. There's actually a 5 minute count down for this. Buff is a great listener. LMAO. They're just friends. Buff makes dick jokes, DDP makes BLEEP jokes. "Don't go there!" "I'm there!" Buff apparently got Kim super drunk after DDP was out of town and she told him that they were having troubles. Buff points out that DDP would have done the same thing, but then also says that he didn't do anything. They make it past 5 minutes before DDP brings up Kim's birthmark that only he can see. Buff says all the boys in the back have seen it, so DDP punches him. Good thing those 5 minutes are up. Buff brought an extendable baton with him and beat DDP with it. Pretty suspicious for a dude that claims he did nothing with another man's wife.
TO THE BACK. The nWo discuss their night to come. Nash and Bret end up arguing. Bret points out that he's always defeated Nash in their matches. Nash gets offended and plans to walk out with the title. Elsewhere, Arn is in the parking lot when a limo arrives. BUT WHO WAS LIMO!??!
Jeff Jarrett vs George Steele
George Steele. In 2000. 62 year old George Steele on Nitro. All because they were in WWF territory and wanted to pop the New York crowd. But in reality, we're about to watch George Steele have a hardcore match on Nitro. In the year 2000. And Chris Benoit is the ref. It's every bit as terrible as you'd think. George just kind of lightly tosses stuff at Jeff, who won't get in the ring. Jeff tries to leave as George eats the turnbuckle, which kept George occupied long enough for Jeff to hit him with the guitar. Double J turns around into a spinebuster from Arn, and Benoit gives a fast count. George wins!
TO THE BACK. Scott finishes up with his first group of women, then picks two more. Elsewhere, Bret and Nash get taped up for their match. After a break, Jeff Jarrett tries to convince Nash to throw Bret out of the nWo. Elsewhere elsewhere, the OAO are about to get their second surprise for Jeff.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Stevie Ray comes out to explain his actions against Booker and Midnight on Thunder. Stevie shits on the entire broadcast team. Straight shootin'! WCW didn't want Harlem Heat and the fans didn't want Harlem Heat until Booker got a singles title, and then Booker turned his back on Stevie and the neighborhood. He makes references to Bruno Magli shoes, which is a reference to OJ Simpson, but I don't really understand the comment. "We all know what happened to the last sucka that stepped out with Bruno Magli shoes on." He got charged with murder and was acquitted? Booker and Midnight come out. They're brothers, mayne. Mostly, Stevie is offended that Booker got Midnight to watch his back instead of Stevie. Booker will never wrestle him. So Stevie slaps that cracker jack fruit booty. Booker agrees to a fight at Souled Out. "This shit won't be fixed. Now can you dig that?"
TO THE BACK. Jeff tries to get Bret to not follow through with the match. Elsewhere, Jeff's next surprise arrives.
Jeff Jarrett vs Tito Santana
ARRIBA! In the black variant of the El Matador gear. Terry Funk joins commentary and calls the nWo a group of roid heads. HEMORRHOID. Jeff Jarrett shoves a member of the Buffalo Bills. He also shoves Orndorff. The rules for this match are that you win by pinfall, submission, or if your opponent leaves the ring. Tito still had a great dropkick in 2000. Flying burrito! OUTTA NOWHERE! Jeff hits the Stroke. Ted Washington of the Bills gets on the apron. Larry gets on the apron on the other side. Wonderful hits the piledriver on Jeff. Tito wins!
TO THE BACK. Tank Abbot heads to the ring. He shits on Jerry Flynn, then calls out ol' duck body Doug Dillinger. Lmao, Doug actually punched Tank, but then took a bump himself and acted dead before Tank hit him back. It was like he tried to pull guard and knocked himself out in the process. Security and police handcuff Tank. Jerry Flynn comes out and hits a headkick.
TO THE BACK. A limo arrives. It's JIMMY SNUKA. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!?! Elsewhere, Bret and Nash still gear up. Chris Benoit was found down on the floor.
Jeff Jarrett vs Jimmy Snuka
Steel Cage Match
Jeff is about to job to another 60 year old dude. Benoit stumbles his way out, but Jeff won't let him in the cage. Jeff gets his guitar, so Larry and Orndorff hit the ring and pinball him around. Snuka climbs the cage. SUPERFLY SPLASH! Benoit also hits his I think 5th cage diving headbutt in less than a calendar year.
TO THE BACK. Bret and Nash head to the ring. Elsewhere, Scotty is pretty worn out from fucking all of these women. Somehow, Terry had planned for Kevin Nash to get these specific women for Scott to fuck, and it was all a ruse to get Scott so worn out that he could be tied up and have his mouth washed out with soap.
Bret Hart vs Kevin Nash WCW Championship
This is actually Bret's last match as an active competitor. His concussion issues became too much after this and he had to step away, eventually officially retiring in October. His next match after this was against Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania 26. He's wearing jorts and tennis shoes. It's a bummer. And it's awkward as shit when he headbutts Nash and sells it himself. Bret looks unwell, to be honest. Which I mean...he wasn't. His brain was scrambled. He couldn't really train. And I'm pretty sure he had a groin or knee injury as well. He goes after Nash's leg, and during those points, he really looks like the Bret of old. This is pretty good, all things considered. These two always had great chemistry, so even on Nitro in 2000 with Bret's broken brain, years after Nash stopped putting in any effort, it isn't that much of a surprise that this is good. Both hit low blows, and this match has done more to make the WCW Championship feel like a big deal worthy of winning than anything in months. Arn comes out in a referee's shirt and blasts Nash in the back with a pipe. Arn orders Charles Robinson to leave. Sid comes out and chokeslams Bret. The cage lowers. Powerbomb. Sid wins! Terry Funk then comes out and brands Nash with a flaming branding iron to end the show.
Jesus Christ this was so busy. Bret/Nash was quite good for this point in the company and both of their careers. The WWWF guys popped the crowd, but obviously did nothing for the future beyond making Jeff look bad (and injuring him). This Old Age Outlaws stuff isn't working out at all since the crowd is booing them instead of the nWo.